Legacy

It's been a year ago to the day since life came slamming to a halt with one phone call. 
I miss her. It's complicated.
I know she's with Jesus: whole, healed, simply stunningly beautiful. And I am anxious for the day when she will hug me in heaven and excitedly tell me all she's been doing and learning at the feet of her Great Love. 
This is the speech I was awakened at 5am to write the morning of Mom's memorial. (Although the ending of my speech may not make sense out of context, I went ahead and included it.)

"When I think of Mom- I think of the aching longing inside her to do great things for God. 
I visualize the way her hands waved, her foot wagged, and her eyes sparkled as they brimmed with tear, whenever she spoke of her passion to reach thousands with the message of God's love, redemption and grace. 
She dreamed big. She often grew discouraged: wanting to serve more, to be used mightily. In her struggles to reach the many, she did not always see that the great things begin with the individual. 
Jesus used five loaves and two fish to feed a multitude. Mom's "five loaves" stand here today as a testimony to beating the odds: we all love and serve the Lord. Statistics I learned from studying and doing youth ministry tell me that Mom did something right.
She did her best to pour into us and endow us with a love and passion for God. Her choices and sacrifices while raising us were often unconventional, sometimes misguided, but the desire to so what was right and to honor and follow God with abandon left and echo in all five of our hearts.
For that, I am personally, eternally grateful. 
I often doubt I make a significant impact in this world for Christ. But, when I grow to despair, I remember what I used to say to Mom- God is in the little things. He is interested in individuals. When you show His love to one person, you never know how that can change a life. 
Mom and I often had our best conversations about God through music. Sometimes I struggles in our relationship. But, we could bond over music. I would offer songs for her to hear and in that way I offered part of my heart. One of the last songs I played for her was one of my favorites, and she loved it, too. Matt Redmon's '"10,000 Reasons".
I'll never forget her face as she soaked in a new song. She's blast the volume, sit and listen, bobbing her head, closing her eyes, clapping an intricately, and listening to the lyrics: always trying to sing the chorus the second time it played.
We have provided the lyrics to this song for you in the programs. Pastor Bill will lead us as we participate together in one of her favorite past times.
Let's sing together." 

No Longer A Victim

It all started with the media fiasco of making it popular to talk all about domestic violence. I made the "mistake" of reading some of the "Why I Stayed" campaign pictures. Why was it a mistake? Some of those reasons were my own 6 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, if all the media attention can help one woman (or man!) gain the courage to seek freedom themselves, then this fad is all worth it. However, for me, it's been a constant reminder of something I'd rather forget. 

Prior to this, it was maybe every other month that the enemy of my soul beat me with the familiar abusive words and reliving the actions of a couple people in particular. If I happened to hear a joke or offhanded comment from someone about beating, raping, that type of thing (another soapbox for another day) it will sometimes trigger that mental track as well. 

I have been re-assaulted mentally and emotionally as Facebook was flooded with everyone informing me about domestic abuse and how desperately we need to make people aware! (It all reminded me of a classmate in college turning to me in the cafeteria, shocked, and sorry to inform me that most rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance. I just forced a smile and nod while I was mentally screaming at her. I wasn't about to tell her how personally, multiply, I was all too aware. She'd already referenced non-virgins as "damaged goods" previously in the conversation.)

So, a couple of days of conversations revolving around what seemed to be the popular topic of abuse, I was in the shower, despairing, crying. I didn't want to be a victim again. I didn't want to relive my experiences randomly because it's the new buzz word. 

But then, God whispered to me: I am not a victim. I am not just a survivor. He has helped me to thrive. He showed me how far I have come. I have been rescued, and through the grace of God, this is all being redeemed into something beautiful. I told myself to stop whining about it, let God be the lifter of my head and remind me of who He created and redeemed me to be. So, I have been working on running to Jesus with these memories, release them in forgiveness, lifting my empty hands for more healing. 

I've debated on whether to continue keeping all of this to myself or not. I'm a normally private person. But, I have been reminded that I've thought many times that everything I experienced is completely worth it if I am able to help someone. Now I say it is more than worth it just to say "look at what Jesus have done." 

This morning I had a dream. A dream that would have normally distressed me. Not a memory, but it might as well have been. The difference in this dream? I felt, not despair and helplessness, but peace, joy even.

That has been my struggle the past couple of weeks, fighting anger and frustration because something that can still be deeply painful is now suddenly being talked about because it has celebrity status. I have not been believed and told I was stupid and should have known better and all that. 
I am not even 100 percent certain why I'm writing this blog. I'd much rather go on without everyone knowing these parts of my past. Maybe I'm just wanting to vent, which is more than likely true. Maybe I'm like everyone else: I just want to be listened to. 
But, it would be awesome if someone will be encouraged by this "venting". There is healing and hope even when memories come haunting. I am grateful that I am far from being the same person I once was. Most days I do not recognize the person I am in those memories.
I choose to focus on that. 

I feel VS I am

As some of you may or may not know, I deal with depression and have ever since I was about 11 years old. Thanks to some counseling, accompanied by medication at times, and lifestyle changes, I learned how to cope and rise out of the darkest times of my life. I am extremely thankful that I mostly have good days now: every couple of months I have a "bad" couple of days or a "bad" couple of weeks. I have been growing, acknowledging, and accepting that depression may or may not be a part of my reality for the rest of my life. So, instead of beating myself up, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me, I am endeavoring to accept this as my life and do what I can to not let it rule me. (Which, by the way, has worked better for me than any of the medications I had been on.)
 I hope this is helpful to someone. I hesitated to write this then thought, "you never know." Many times depression is such a hidden, dark thing-especially within the Christian community- which only exasperates the symptoms. I do not tell many people about what I used to, but for God's grace, deal with on a daily basis. 
After my most recent "bad" couple of weeks, I have been much more pro-active at recognizing some of my triggers, ways I am contributing to my own vicious cycles, and facilitating a more rapid recovery by doing what I know helps. My actions for recovery mostly include exercising regularly, journaling, and acknowledging that this is an episode and it, too, shall pass. This helped immensely when I spent several months riding the grief roller coaster after my mother passed away in September.
Last week, I began adding a focus on my inner voice: the power the words inside my head and that I speak about myself affect me. Very often I will say things such as "I'm such an idiot." "I'm so fat." "I am such a..." 
A moment of clarity came when Clay and I were having a conversation in the car and I said something to the affect of "I hate being such a failure!" Then I checked myself, for the first time I said, "I should not say such negative things about myself. I may feel like I have failed, but I am not a failure." I have never been a super positive person and the positive reinforcements are hard for me to take seriously about myself. But, I have to admit, there was something freeing in changing my words to "I feel..." rather than "I am..."
So, for the mornings when I feel like breaking into a rendition of Quazimodo's duet with Frollo in Disney's  The Hunchback of Notre Dame- ("I am deformed...and I am UUUGLY!" or his self-depreciating..."No face as hideous as my face....") Instead, I quote Han Solo (when he turns to Chewie after being submitted to Vader's torture table in The Empire Strikes Back-) "I feel terrible." Then I have to at least smile because I love the fact that I am so nerdy. So, there, day better already!
I want my "I am..." statements to be positives and all my negative emotions to turn into "I feel..."  Then that is all they will be: feelings. Valid, but no longer in control of my life.

My Gluten-free Trial

Today marks day 9 of a gluten free diet for me. 

I decided to readdress the search for food senetvities that Clay and I started back in August of last year. He was researching two weeks ago and said he thoughtI should get tested for a gluten sensitivity, or try it myself. So, I set out on a 3-4 week journey to go gluten free before I slowly reintroduce it back into my diet and see how my body responds. 
How my body has responded after a week:

- i don't experience brain fog or mid-day fatigue. I thought this was a problem for every body. Although, maybe my new-found cup of coffee routine has contributed to that. I must say, it is nice to feel what being tired is becauseI have been able to be productive. Despite a huge set-back because I got my back out of whack. 

- My cravings aren't as intense. I don't know whether it is because I am exercising self-control already by denying myself one of my favoite food groups. I am also thinking about what I eat again. 

- I do not feel so sluggish. We're not eating out as much because, there are not as many options available.

So, overall this is progress. And I dont't miss it as much as I thought I would. 

I will probably cut back a lot more even if I end up not having a sensitivity for gluten. 

Overall. I feel good. The past 9 days have been a breeze.

The Battle with Self

I have tried for the past two months to come up with something worth posting on here.
A lot of it has been about some triumphs or discoveries I've made as I am approaching the celebration of my 3rd year of marriage. I have been reading as part of my devotions "Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline." by Gary Thomas. OUCH! I highly recommend this book but, not for those who do not understand what the term Spiritual Discipline means. Several reviews I read seemed to completely misunderstand the point the author was trying to make. It as opened my eyes to my bad attitudes and mindsets. 
But, try as I may to come up with some cute or quirky little posting that will delight the eyes. I can't. 
The things that I have been dealing with such as, unforgiveness, grief, guilt, self-evaluation, self-hatred, the continuing battle with depression, I am not entirely sure how much I want to divulge in the open for every one who wishes to read. Maybe some day I will divulge more. But for now, it's not necessary.
Maybe it all comes down to the fact I feel out of place the majority of the time, not sure I am needed, or wanted, and it is a battle I constantly fight: the battle to be less self-absorbed and to focus on others instead. Because honestly, there was too much about "self" in the paragraph above.
So. I am beginning little by little to pursue that mindset with, first of all, my husband. To thank him for the little things. To accept his love. To serve him. To look outside of myself more.

2014's Resolutions: Further Life-Tweaks

I've approached this year's resolutions with a considerable amount of thought and encouragement from last year's resolutions successes. I've added one: the other 4 are continuations and tweaks.
1: Continued daily time with God: Focus on Prayer
I have revised the prayer focus list I created in 2012 to help remind me of who I have committed to pray for. I was excited to see answers to prayer I have already seen from my previous list. Why the focus on prayer? I have not been nearly as intentional or disciplined with prayer as I would like to be. So, just as I focused on Scripture reading last year, I will make prayer more of a focus this year. Not entirely sure how I can have a tangible goal like reading through the Bible in a year: I will try praying 5 days a week for at least 10 minutes and expand as I go.
2: Lose Weight: Goal of 20 more lbs.
True, I have only lost 15lbs this past year but, I hope to stay on track. I have already gotten back into a workout routine and now have a more active lifestyle. I have started this year at 191, size 14 pants. Excited for what progress I can continue to make towards being healthy. Of course this will be much easier one the last of the Christmas goodies are out of my house.
3: Pay off another $10,550 in debt. Pay cash for a car
The end result I would like to see of this goal is to surpass this! If we can stay on track this year, doing better than last year, I know we can.
We will need to purchase a new vehicle for me this year. There are some problems with my current mode of transportation. And also, I would appreciate having a 4 door car, and air conditioning this summer in case we can meet out debt goals. Because then it means we are on our way, God willing, to little ones.
4: Have my novel manuscript publication ready
I want to write more. I already write every day with journaling, etc. But, that is not helping me finish my novel. So, I have made myself a goal of writing 2 pages in 5 days. If I exceed...even better!
I also intend to blog every month, like I managed to last year.
I am proficient at excuses: and I have finally realized my "reasons" and only excuses bred from fear.
5: Utilize better organization so I can wisely manage my time more wisely
I have already begun practical steps to this: two weeks before the new year (thanks in part to Pinterest.) I created a monthly meal planning list, made a master inventory list that will make grocery shopping infinitely easier, grocery shopped for the month, budgeted (haven't done that since August...ugh!) and made up a list of weekly and monthly household chores. Overall, a bit of time here and there to save time and money in the end.
I already feel considerably less stressed.  Horray! 
So, I know there are several friends of mine who refuse to do resolutions: for those of you who do, what are your resolutions or goalsthis year?