As some of you may or may not know, I deal with depression and have ever since I was about 11 years old. Thanks to some counseling, accompanied by medication at times, and lifestyle changes, I learned how to cope and rise out of the darkest times of my life. I am extremely thankful that I mostly have good days now: every couple of months I have a "bad" couple of days or a "bad" couple of weeks. I have been growing, acknowledging, and accepting that depression may or
may not be a part of my reality for the rest of my life. So, instead of
beating myself up, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with
me, I am endeavoring to accept this as my life and do what I can to not
let it rule me. (Which, by the way, has worked better for me than any of the medications I had been on.)
I hope this is helpful to someone. I hesitated to write this then
thought, "you never know." Many times depression is such a hidden, dark
thing-especially within the Christian community- which only exasperates the symptoms. I do not tell many
people about what I used to, but for God's grace, deal with on a daily
basis.
After my most recent "bad" couple of weeks, I have been much more pro-active at recognizing some of my triggers, ways I am contributing to my own vicious cycles, and facilitating a more rapid recovery by doing what I know helps. My actions for recovery mostly include exercising regularly, journaling, and acknowledging that this is an episode and it, too, shall pass. This helped immensely when I spent several months riding the grief roller coaster after my mother passed away in September.
Last week, I began adding a focus on my inner voice: the power the words inside my head and that I speak about myself affect me. Very often I will say things such as "I'm such an idiot." "I'm so fat." "I am such a..."
A moment of clarity came when Clay and I were having a conversation in the car and I said something to the affect of "I hate being such a failure!" Then I checked myself, for the first time I said, "I should not say such negative things about myself. I may feel like I have failed, but I am not a failure." I have never been a super positive person and the positive reinforcements are hard for me to take seriously about myself. But, I have to admit, there was something freeing in changing my words to "I feel..." rather than "I am..."
So, for the mornings when I feel like breaking into a rendition of Quazimodo's duet with Frollo in Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame- ("I am deformed...and I am UUUGLY!" or his self-depreciating..."No face as hideous as my face....") Instead, I quote Han Solo (when he turns to Chewie after being submitted to Vader's torture table in The Empire Strikes Back-) "I feel terrible." Then I have to at least smile because I love the fact that I am so nerdy. So, there, day better already!
I want my "I am..." statements to be positives and all my negative emotions to turn
into "I feel..." Then that is all they will be: feelings. Valid, but no
longer in control of my life.
