Suggestions for Helping a Grieving Friend.

In light of my most recent experience with loss I have observed how others handle another person's grief. I have made some of these mistakes in the past, and have experienced the blessings of people getting it right (at least for me). Yes, I realize everyone grieves differently. Yes, I realize everyone needs different things. I have been blessed, and also incredibly hurt on top of this grieving process. 

Kinda want to give people some heads up... Maybe address things no one else seems willing to talk about. 

This is my list of things I have discovered and ranted on over the past month.  

1- Everyone says "If there is anything I can do..." But few people actually mean it.

 I mean really mean it. Since coming home after Mom's memorial service, I had a total of four people do this well or even make an effort. 

I even attempted asking for help. I listed everything I needed help with around the house. It took a great deal of effort for that to happen. I had two responses. That is disheartening to say the least. 

If you really want to "do anything" it is so much easier on an already overwhelmed, emotionally vulnerable person if you offer specifically what you want to help with. Example. "I want to clean your house for you. Can I come over on Tuesday night?" Or even, " Are you home? I'm bringing you dinner tonight?" Don't leave it up to a grieving person to contact you for help. 

It is hard to know who you can truly depend on. The weeks after her death and the memorial service I needed just as much help, if not more, than right around the memorial.  At the service, I was surrounded by the love of people I grew up with, my friends, and my family. It's the "return to normal" where things got raw. Where love is desperately needed to be felt. Which leads me to-

2- Dont underestimate the power of a text message, or Facebook message, or just personally checking up on someone. 

It is not enough to just show a grieving person support up to or at the funeral or memorial service. 

True, some people want to just move on. But some of us get very angry that every one moves on and in a sense, forgets about us. That's what I dealt with. Not that I wanted special treatment. I just wanted acknowledgement with just a question "How are you doing?". That is a good reminder that you remember I'm going through a tough time. 

3- If you are unsure...ask!

If you don't know if I want company or need my space...ask

If you don't know if I have energy to make dinner...ask 

If you don't know if my poor husband needs a break from my processing and grief...ask

If you don't know if I want to get away from it all...ask 

This is closely related to the above rantings. 

The response I have gotten most often when I rant to my hubby about the lack of response from people has been... Most people don't even know what to do or say. All I could think was... Why don't they just ask?

When in doubt...ask. Offer. Avoid hurt feelings. 

4- Actions speak louder than words. 

Even in grief. You may have had the best of intentions, but intentions mean squat. Doing something speaks volumes. Especially in the weeks after. Heck...this is good to remember all the time. 

Ok.  I think I'm done now. 

What has been something specific and memorable that has helped you in a time of grief?

Which of my observations and rantings do you agree with or disagree with?

My Before I'm 40 Bucket List Part 1

In two months to the day, I will turn 30. Coupled with recent events in life, I have thought of what I have accomplished thus far, what goals I have met, etc. Thanks to an article by Jesse Carey in RELEVANT magazine entitled, "The Before You're 40 Bucket-list" I have created a Before I'm 40 Bucket List. I left some of his suggestions along with his descriptions, as well as substituted a couple of his items for some of my own. 

So...here are the first 10 of the 20 things I hope to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

1- Read the Entire Bible: 

I realized that I have read the entire Bible throughout the course of my life, quite a few times. But never made it deliberately through the Bible in a year. 

So I started it this year in January. I read anywhere from 1-3 chapters almost every day of the week (usually 5-6) from 2 books of seperate genres. I started out reading from an Old Testament and a New Testament book, but then started running out of NT books so, am saving 3 for later. 

So, for example. I am reading through 1 Samuel (a historical book), and starting Ezekiel (a prophecy book) tomorrow . Genesis and Revelation I am leaving for last, because I have read through those books so many times in my previous failed efforts to read through the whole Bible in a year. 

2- Finally Achieve My Goal Weight:

Why do I feel that I am always going to struggle with this? 

And that's kind of the point. I will keep trying to be healthy.  

3- Run a Marathon (or Some Kind of Endurance Race)

No matter what your current fitness level is, there are lots of options for you to take part in an endurance race. Whether it’s a 5K, Tough Mudder or a full-length marathon, choose a distance you’ll actually have to train for a few months to complete. Part of the joy of the accomplishment is looking back at all of the hard work you put in.

Now, this is one I would more likely do a walk than a run. This would be an accomplishment indeed. 

4- Watch Every Film on the AFI Top 100

Back in 1998, the American Film Institute polled 1,500 leaders in the film community and asked them to help assemble the top 100 American movies ever made. The list (which was updated in 2007) contains some movies that you’ve probably already seen (like Rocky, Forest Gump, Star Wars and Jaws) but its the deeper cuts (like Rear Window, Stagecoach, Duck Soup and All Quiet on the Western Front) showcasing the evolution of filmmaking and American pop culture, that make the task of watching each film such a rich experience.

This is one Clay and I have talked about accomplishing anyway so, this could be fun :) Considering I've only seen 2 out of the titles he listed...I think I have a long way to go. 

5- Pick a Country and Go Visit

Before you turn 40, pick at least one country that you’ve always wanted to visit, and make it happen. Create a plan to save a little money and store up some vacation time to go to the one place you’ve always wanted to see.

Le sigh... I have several countries I have always wanted to visit. The main two would be Germany and Great Britain (I know it's not 1 country but, yeah)  It takes a lot of money...that we are currently using to pay off debt. 

6- Speak a Second Language

If you are picking a country to go visit, why not try to also learn the language spoken there?

I started learning German and took Spanish at Asbury. I was once conversational in ASL. I want to do this. Maybe I still can. I would have time while we are saving up to go to learn German. 

7- Write Letters to the Five People Who Have Most Impacted Your Life

Don’t make the mistake of not telling the important people in your life how much they’ve impacted you. Even if the letters are short, sometime before you turn 40, think of the five people who have helped shape you as an adult, and let them know what they’ve meant to you.

Maybe I should still do this even though some of those people have passed on. 

8- Watch Every Season of a Few Great TV Shows

We are living in a golden age of television, in which critically acclaimed shows are the new Great American Novels. Pick out a few of the shows that will be remembered for making serialized TV important again, and watch them in their entirety. Marathon through a series like Arrested Development, The Walking Dead, The Wire or Breaking Bad, and see how the medium of television was reinvented in your generation.

Not sure entirely how noble a venture this is but, thanks to Netflix, Clay and I are working on it. Is there a list of these somewhere or is it just understood what shows are "great"?

9- Give Away Something Really Expensive

Before you turn 40, you should know the feeling of giving something away that costs a lot of money. Maybe you pool money with a couple of friends to buy a car for a single mom in need. Maybe it’s plane tickets for friend to go on a mission trip. Maybe it’s a bunch of really nice Christmas presents for kids who wouldn’t get any otherwise. At some point in your twenties or thirties, make it your personal goal to save enough money to give someone else something amazing.

I think this would be great! This is why we want to eliminate debt. So we CAN do stuff like this. 

10- Create Something New Every Week

Whether it is a drawing, writting something, painting, needlework, flower arrangement, or do gardening. Do something creative at least once a week. :) 

My Before I'm 40 Bucket List Part 2

In mid December, I will turn 30. Coupled with recent events in life, I have thought of what I have accomplished thus far, what goals I have met, etc. Thanks to an article by Jesse Carey in RELEVANT magazine entitled, "The Before You're 40 Bucket-list" I have created a Before I'm 40 Bucket List. I left some of his suggestions along with his descriptions, as well as substituted a couple of his items for some of my own. 

So, here are the other 10 out of 20 things to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

11- Apply for Your Dream Job

Don’t look back later in life with regret, wondering what could have been. Even if you don’t think you’re qualified for the job you’ve always dreamed of, at some point in your twenties or thirties, apply for the job you've always wanted. It may not lead to any dramatic career choice, but unless you give it a shot, you will never know.

My dream job has always been to be a stay at home Mom. There is not an application processfor that. But, I most definitely hope to make it there before I'm 40.

12- Take the Stage. Alone

Preach a sermon. Try stand-up comedy. Deliver a TED-like lecture. Find an opportunity to be alone on a stage in front of a crowd with nothing to move them but a microphone and your own thoughts. Public speaking can be terrifying—but it can also be exhilarating .

I have soloed often. The most impactfull stage moment occurred not entirely by myself: I spoke at my mother's memorial service following my four siblings. I was the one who introduced the congregational song. I should do this at every opportunity I can. 

13- Go on Another Road Trip of at Least a Thousand Miles

I've moved cross country before and rode and drove from NC to L.A already. I hope to make it back west, though. We have talked (my siblings and I) of going to Utah together. I really hope this happens. 

14- Write a Short Story

Everyone has a good story in them. Take the time to craft at least one good short story at some point in your twenties or thirties. You don’t ever have to publish it or even share it with anyone else, but it’s an exercise of self-analysis that everyone should go through at least once.

I thought it interesting that he put this on the list. I wrote my first story when I was 6. It was pathetic, but a start. My bucket list is to be a published novelist before I am 40. At one point in time (just last year, in fact) it was before I am 30. But this is not happening. I am at least working at it.

15- Go On a Mission/Humanitarian Aid Trip

The only thing that has prevented this before now is finances and times off work.I would even be open to going on the mission field for a year or so. If the opportunity presents itself.

16- Learn to Play a New Instrument

Grab that old guitar sitting in the attic, pick up a harmonic or go ahead and purchase that drum set you’ve always wanted. Who knows? Maybe you even a have a hidden talent that’s just waiting to be discovered.

Yay, guitar, viola violin.....I have always wanted to play piano, though: much better than I already pick out. But, we have no room for a piano. Not my mother's parlor grand piano anyway.  

17- Find a Mentor and a Mentee

You’re never too old to learn from someone older than you—and to teach someone younger.

I have tried for years to find a mentor. The closest I have is my sister. Not sure what I am doing wrong. Maybe it's my lack of quick trustin other people? 

I have been a mentor before. Wouldn't mind doing it again.

18- Memorize the Lord’s Prayer, the Apostle’s Creed, the Great Commission and the Beatitudes

By memorizing these relatively short items, you’ll be able to recite four key principles of Christian faith—how to pray (the Lord’s Prayer), your calling (the Great Commission), the teachings of the Gospel (the Apostle’s Creed) and how to live (the Beatitudes). 

Done it! Also know the Nicenene Creed thanks to years at the Episcopal Church. Maybe I can do more theology study and all that, too. 

19- Face your fear

Whether it’s public speaking, an aversion to water, the fear of rejection or a dislike of flying, you don’t have to totally conquer your fears in your twenties or thirties, but you should face them. Sign up for swimming lessons, go to Toast Masters or even seek counseling. Taking steps to control your fear as an adult will make sure it doesn’t have to control you.

Sometimes I feel I face a fear nearly every week. There has been at least one fear I conquer every couple of years. I used to be a terrified child and in a state of constant anxiety. 

Biggest fears I have faced this year: riding through an under water tunnel (fear of drowning). Responding to my mother's death: the fear that I had not truly forgiven her. 

My biggest fear to conquer is my own perception of what others think/will think of me. Not be intimidated by perceptions or misbeliefs. 

20- Sponsor a child

There are a ton of organizations (World Vision, Compassion International, ChildFund International), that will let you sponsor a child in need for less than your cell phone bill. 

I have sponsored a total of 3 children. This year, though, Clay and I started sponsoring a child together. A boy through the orphanage our church sponsors in India. 

Lessons Life Has Taught Me: # 2

Lessons Life Has Taught Me# 2  I Have "Traditional" Variations to Grief
 
    Sometimes I feel I was born in the wrong century. 
    Normally, I would say this in reference to my love of history. But this time it is because I feel more at home in the Victorian morbid grieving practices. (I do not mean Edwardian/turn of the century as most wrongly think. I mean during the reign of Queen Victoria.) Now, I won't go so far as wanting a window on my loved-ones casket so I can always gaze on their face through a tunnel/glass concoction like some Victorian's would. But, I am not weirded out or creeped out by death: Some of this I attribute to my faith, some of it I attribute to my own morose side, some is from having experienced death so many times. 
    The year 2013 has been a year of deaths, escalating deeper sorrow in me. 
A former classmate from Asbury passed tragically February 6th
I found out my uncle had unexpectedly died March 3rd.
July 16, I had to make the choice to put down my beautiful husky (with a bit of wolf to boot), my "baby girl", Sabrina. She had cancer. 
On Friday, September 20, my mother had fallen, was flown to Louisville for surgery and her heart gave out on the helicopter ride. Just like that. 
     If I would not make people I had completely lost my mind, I would don the traditional black ribbon on the arm or dress all in black. If only I had a proper Victorian black gown. Alas! 
I wanted a picture with my dead puppy- much like some mothers would pose with their deceased baby: but I was convinced by my husband it would be too creepy so, I resisted.
    There are some things I have not veered from Victorian morbidity: I keep locks of hair in a special place. I neglected to get Sabrina's locks, but I keep her collar. It took me weeks to clean her nose prints off the front window. I have a shelf in my house designated to pictures of loved ones who have passed on. Two days after my mother's death, I came back home before heading back up to Madison to help settle things. I ached to decorate for Halloween. So, I did: The house needed to be as morbid and spooky as I felt. 
     I have been accused of being morbid: the way I deal with death is to make jokes, try to set everyone else at ease: Few people see when I am alone: when I weep until I no noise comes. 
Grief is messy. Many people have offered, but few have followed through and entered into it with me. Sometimes I ache for others to join me. And it's not because I want everyone sad or anything. It's because grief is something that can make you feel so utterly alone: only you grieve like you.  
    So, maybe I'm not so weird as I thought. I'm quirky. I'm weird. I am still trying to remind myself that I am allowed to grieve however helps me.