Financial Organization Pt 3: The Binders

Ahh... The Binders 

These are my transition points from my filing cabinets and between my once cluttered mail station. 

I now keep my weekly bills (necessary for tax purposes for our home office) in my financial organizer. 

When the organizer is full

 (after about 4 months it's fairly bursting)

 I transition my bills to my Binders. 

At one point, I had only one binder, but it soon was bursting at the seams as well.

 I had so many categories and so much to put in. 

Supplies:

   3" binders

Page/protector

 Dividers 

I originally used the white binder for everything financial. I prefer binders with pockets so I can shove unsorted bills, letters, etc. in there for later 

Dividers I also prefer with pockets for the same reason but without works just fine. Even though I repurposed, if you care about ease of reading your divider tabs, I would recommend purchasing all of them at once and getting them larger than the page protectors if possible. Ones with pockets are usually larger than the cheaper ones without. 

Now....How do I separate and categorize these binders? 

 White Binder: Financial Binder 
My categories are
Banking Info (statements, account information, etc) 
Cars (maintenance receipts, purchase records, insurance)
Financial Peace Documents (budgeting items, sheets, debt notes) 
Credit Cards
Utilities
School Loans

All these items I rotate out every year these items and put them in their proper folders in our filing cabinet. I always defer to Clay about how long we keep these files on hand.

Pink Binder: Personal Binder 

My categories are

Personal: Any separate entity information, such as personal accounts that will be helpful (forgive the morbidity and God forbid) if anything should happen to either myself or Clay. This category was inspired by my mother's passing and seeing how her organization greatly assisted us in taking care of her personal accounts; accessing emails, where she had banking accounts, etc. 

Dogs: All three pups' vet information, adoption papers, and other things they need 

House Information: receipts of our house updates, etc. 

Medical: Lab results, bills, etc. 

Debt Payoff Letters: these are so satisfactory to keep. I keep such a special notes as a constant reminder of debts paid in full. 

Pay stubs

Reimbursement receipt (for our over the counter purchases)

Donations (such as to our church, Goodwill, etc) 

                                                        Pocket Protectors:                         

Every company has its own pocket protector. A year's worth of bills stacked on top of each other fit with little wiggling into one pocket protector.  

I tried them in separate folders hole punched to fit in the binder but, everything just fits so much more snuggly in the pocket protectors and the transparency helps when searching for specific companies or bills. 

 I hope this all has been hopeful! All these tools have helped a great deal for me to keep a previously messy stack of papers into something easily navigated and accessible. 

Thank you!

Financial Organization Pt 2: Oh, Pretty Organizers!

Oh no! My trusty White Board and calendar are packed away, waiting for a move to our new house (whenever THAT may be) I need ways to keep track of bills, debt. If I don't, I will get so caught up in projects and day to day life, I forget what day it is. What do I do? 

Never fear! Remember, you have your planner in your purse. Remember on your best days you like to color code events anyway, just use your planner as your wall calendar and add the bill schedule to it. (Yes, I'm one of those people!) ***

Here's the planner I purchased in July at Wal-Mart. 
It's small enough to fit in my purse (always great for making appointments on the go), but because it is landscape styled, I can write multiple event on the actual days. I need the visual (usually coded with more color variety than you see here) of events in those neat little blocks. On the other page are three lists, such as Do, Call (shiver) and Buy.  Most helpful.

The brown pen marks? Those represent the monthly bills schedule. Most are listed on the calendar a couple of days before they are actually due so I will hopefully remember to schedule them before their due date. 
For example, On the 30th, I have written "Schedule 1st Bills" to remind myself that hey, bills are due on the first! Just because you can't see the first doesn't mean bills are not due! 

A couple of down-sides to a planner only VS planner and wall calendar...
1- I don't remember to ask Clay for his work schedule so I have found myself at a loss when making dinner (when I do...haha) for when he will be home. inevitable I think, oh, he'll be off at 6, but he arrives home at 5:30 instead, or sometimes dinner is cold because he gets home at 7 instead. Whoops. 
2- Plans with family and or friends can be a little more complicated to keep track of. Used to be we would write it on the calendar for both of us to see, plain as day. This just means we have to communicate more...Ok, maybe not that bad of a down-side after all. 

When I bought our calendar last year, I couldn't find one with pockets in which to store our monthly bill stubs. What could I do? They piled up on our mail center and it was getting a bit ridiculous. I need to keep utility stubs for tax purposes because we claim our home office. Hmm. 
In August, I was at Dollar General and found this sweet thing for $3

Hmmm.... not only a ledger but, oh look! Pockets!! 

My excitement was just a little bit silly, I admit, but it really has helped me fill in our financial organizational dividend. I write it all in pencil too, so it can be updated.
There are columns for due date, the bills, the amount, and the ever-important paid check-marking space! 
Extra spots to check mark? 

CHECK! 


I began using this organizer immediately to store all those stubs. I continue to use this even after my White Board comes back. Especially to keep the bills organized. 

Yes, dear organizer...you shall be used until you fall apart. Being from Dollar General, I hope this is much much later in the future than one would expect. 

Tother day I removed the stubs from August through December and put them in 

THE BINDERS 

What are these you ask? Why next posting I shall show you. :) 

***Yes, I do have a smart phone and realize that there is an app for that. The calendar and reminders can exponentially help some people with everything I've shared here. However, as a visual/hands on learner, I very much prefer, and remember photographically when I write down events on a paper calendar. 

Financial Organization Pt 1 The Whiteboard of Debt

When I write, I am the closest to being 100% transparent as you may ever get to see me. I may seem an open book but, once I get comfortable with you, you will discover how much I keep to my chest. This is due in part to how I was raised but for the most part it is just how I'm wired. 
Some of what I have kept close to me is how extremely overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and drowning in debt I was when I met and married my dear husband. 

Extremely good with money for most of my life, I encountered my first debt with Student Loans 

and shortly thereafter from an abusive ex boyfriend who stole my identify through manipulations, etc..

My debt was, and still, 

is a source of embarrassment, 

stress, and shame I deal with

 nearly every day. 

Even though Clay (my hubby) knew the amount in numbers, (THAT was an interesting conversation) it never dawned on him how very burdensome and debilitating the sheer volume of my debts, combined with his relatively few, would be on our marriage.
*my records are currently packed away in the myriad of boxes stacked in our garage, waiting to be moved to our new home...whenever that may happen. My debt guestimates are low-balled and very generalized at this point 

In January 2013, Clay and I helped save our marriage in the long run by making a debt-changing decision to go through Financial Peace University. It gave us the necessary tools to further free ourselves. When we calculated the whole, ugly, grand total of our debts, we both wanted to vomit. By then we had already paid down a good amount of debt (Over $20,000) in our first year and a half of marriage. (Hint, our combined debt at that point was $118,800...not including mortgage) 

I am a naturally organized person. I loved printing up our monthly budget but the ink and four or so pages used to do so seemed a bit much. So, I sought out a nice dry erase board. I used sharpies and a ruler to draw lines. I had to do the board a couple of times to get it right for us to use. I created a reusable way to keep track of our monthly budget and debt snowball progress. As much as I originally hated the idea (being so private a person) 
      I hung it in our kitchen. For anyone who came by to see. 
I have had a handful of people actually ask me to send them a pic of how I did the board. I keep forgetting....honestly because I never wrote myself post-it notes about it. So here it is!

The Whiteboard of Debt 

We based the pay period on Clay's income. Unfortunately, I do not contribute as much financially, Plus, I get paid weekly or sometimes more often depending on Mary Kay sales. (Which goes into irregular income category and goes towards paying off the credit card used to purchase inventory) 
Anyone who has gone through Financial Peace will recognize the idea. 
We do not religiously follow FPU, my free spirit was going a bit stir-crazy when I made him sit down and follow procedures. I make a budget, then ask if he approves. It works so much better this way; he has input and I defer to him already. Plus, the more he knew things were planned out, the more he wanted to rebel. It's who he is, Mr. Rule Breaker. So, I have learned to relax more; we both go nuts if we won't have spending money, etc. 
The point of this was to personalize it for what works for us. 

By every debt name I have written the due date. I also write them on the calendar before their actual due-date so that I remember to schedule them. 

We do not do a running total when calculating up our budget (which is usually done on a separate sheet of paper,
versus the sheets and sheets printed up that we did before) If the budgeted amount was paid, I put a check mark in the paid column. If the paid amount different from the budgeted, I write the amount I paid and use it to keep track next month. Really comes in handy to see the difference month to month for utilities, groceries, etc.  

The two budgeted and paid columns show which pay period the payment is taken out of.

The most difficult to work out if you do not use cash for groceries. One of my original board options was a box for how much was left, how much I'd spent already... yeah. A lot of erasing on a dry erase board. Stinks.
As much as I would prefer the envelope system for most things, I only use it for spending money and, if I'm being good, for groceries. For a while I was putting gas money on Kroger gift cards because we only ever got gas there. But it became stressful if we were on a road trip and not near a Kroger! 

Benefits of the White Board 

Obviously the monthly tracking helps. But if you're like me and really like check-marks, it's rather satisfying to pay bills! 

     This really helped my feel the weight of money decisions very similarly to the budget sheets. But, it's there for me and my hubby to see every day. Not tucked away like our budget sheets were. Not quite as easy to forget. It helps keep him and me accountable with where we are financially. We both have a tendency to say (for example) , "Oh, we're doing fine! Let's go out to eat three times this week." When, actually, uh...we're not budgeted for more than once a week.

     

     For long-term-  

Meet the Debt Snowball Columns 

As you can see, I have listed ALL our debts beyond monthly needs/bills. This is for our car, student loans and credit cards. 

This is by far the emotionally invested side of the board. 

Every year, (usually around tax-time) to keep track of our progress and feel we are not just treading water but making progress, I calculate our total debt. I compare the Total Payoff column to what the total payoff now. I do this with and without school loans. I calculate how much we have paid off in the previous year.  

As you can see from 2013, we paid off $10,550 in debt.  

I then update the Total Payoff Column and do the same thing next time I feel discouraged and need to see how far we have come. 

Like this 

I did this today; and I am overwhelmed in a good and bad way. 

In 2014, God was faithful and provided us the opportunity to pay off $20,187 in debt. 

In 6 years, (since signing my last loan) my student loans have gone from over $110,000 (yes, you read that right...total cost of original loans) to $65,284. 

Our total debt left is finally under 100,000.        

           $95,991 WITH Student Loans!!

Why do I share this? It's freaking exciting to finally reach this point. 

Organizing finances takes a deal of time, this is true. Drawing and redrawing the White Board of Debt takes a bit of time to start out. Perfectionistic me, I think it was at least a half hour each try. 

Up keep after budgeting was, like 10 minutes though, if that. And saves on paper and ink! 

But, after boxing up the White Board of Debt for house showings (yet another way we hope to reduce debt; move to a cheaper house, lower mortgage, pay off more debt. Woot!) what do I do to keep organized? Glad you asked! I'll show you in my next posting :) 

Legacy

It's been a year ago to the day since life came slamming to a halt with one phone call. 
I miss her. It's complicated.
I know she's with Jesus: whole, healed, simply stunningly beautiful. And I am anxious for the day when she will hug me in heaven and excitedly tell me all she's been doing and learning at the feet of her Great Love. 
This is the speech I was awakened at 5am to write the morning of Mom's memorial. (Although the ending of my speech may not make sense out of context, I went ahead and included it.)

"When I think of Mom- I think of the aching longing inside her to do great things for God. 
I visualize the way her hands waved, her foot wagged, and her eyes sparkled as they brimmed with tear, whenever she spoke of her passion to reach thousands with the message of God's love, redemption and grace. 
She dreamed big. She often grew discouraged: wanting to serve more, to be used mightily. In her struggles to reach the many, she did not always see that the great things begin with the individual. 
Jesus used five loaves and two fish to feed a multitude. Mom's "five loaves" stand here today as a testimony to beating the odds: we all love and serve the Lord. Statistics I learned from studying and doing youth ministry tell me that Mom did something right.
She did her best to pour into us and endow us with a love and passion for God. Her choices and sacrifices while raising us were often unconventional, sometimes misguided, but the desire to so what was right and to honor and follow God with abandon left and echo in all five of our hearts.
For that, I am personally, eternally grateful. 
I often doubt I make a significant impact in this world for Christ. But, when I grow to despair, I remember what I used to say to Mom- God is in the little things. He is interested in individuals. When you show His love to one person, you never know how that can change a life. 
Mom and I often had our best conversations about God through music. Sometimes I struggles in our relationship. But, we could bond over music. I would offer songs for her to hear and in that way I offered part of my heart. One of the last songs I played for her was one of my favorites, and she loved it, too. Matt Redmon's '"10,000 Reasons".
I'll never forget her face as she soaked in a new song. She's blast the volume, sit and listen, bobbing her head, closing her eyes, clapping an intricately, and listening to the lyrics: always trying to sing the chorus the second time it played.
We have provided the lyrics to this song for you in the programs. Pastor Bill will lead us as we participate together in one of her favorite past times.
Let's sing together." 

No Longer A Victim

It all started with the media fiasco of making it popular to talk all about domestic violence. I made the "mistake" of reading some of the "Why I Stayed" campaign pictures. Why was it a mistake? Some of those reasons were my own 6 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, if all the media attention can help one woman (or man!) gain the courage to seek freedom themselves, then this fad is all worth it. However, for me, it's been a constant reminder of something I'd rather forget. 

Prior to this, it was maybe every other month that the enemy of my soul beat me with the familiar abusive words and reliving the actions of a couple people in particular. If I happened to hear a joke or offhanded comment from someone about beating, raping, that type of thing (another soapbox for another day) it will sometimes trigger that mental track as well. 

I have been re-assaulted mentally and emotionally as Facebook was flooded with everyone informing me about domestic abuse and how desperately we need to make people aware! (It all reminded me of a classmate in college turning to me in the cafeteria, shocked, and sorry to inform me that most rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance. I just forced a smile and nod while I was mentally screaming at her. I wasn't about to tell her how personally, multiply, I was all too aware. She'd already referenced non-virgins as "damaged goods" previously in the conversation.)

So, a couple of days of conversations revolving around what seemed to be the popular topic of abuse, I was in the shower, despairing, crying. I didn't want to be a victim again. I didn't want to relive my experiences randomly because it's the new buzz word. 

But then, God whispered to me: I am not a victim. I am not just a survivor. He has helped me to thrive. He showed me how far I have come. I have been rescued, and through the grace of God, this is all being redeemed into something beautiful. I told myself to stop whining about it, let God be the lifter of my head and remind me of who He created and redeemed me to be. So, I have been working on running to Jesus with these memories, release them in forgiveness, lifting my empty hands for more healing. 

I've debated on whether to continue keeping all of this to myself or not. I'm a normally private person. But, I have been reminded that I've thought many times that everything I experienced is completely worth it if I am able to help someone. Now I say it is more than worth it just to say "look at what Jesus have done." 

This morning I had a dream. A dream that would have normally distressed me. Not a memory, but it might as well have been. The difference in this dream? I felt, not despair and helplessness, but peace, joy even.

That has been my struggle the past couple of weeks, fighting anger and frustration because something that can still be deeply painful is now suddenly being talked about because it has celebrity status. I have not been believed and told I was stupid and should have known better and all that. 
I am not even 100 percent certain why I'm writing this blog. I'd much rather go on without everyone knowing these parts of my past. Maybe I'm just wanting to vent, which is more than likely true. Maybe I'm like everyone else: I just want to be listened to. 
But, it would be awesome if someone will be encouraged by this "venting". There is healing and hope even when memories come haunting. I am grateful that I am far from being the same person I once was. Most days I do not recognize the person I am in those memories.
I choose to focus on that. 

I feel VS I am

As some of you may or may not know, I deal with depression and have ever since I was about 11 years old. Thanks to some counseling, accompanied by medication at times, and lifestyle changes, I learned how to cope and rise out of the darkest times of my life. I am extremely thankful that I mostly have good days now: every couple of months I have a "bad" couple of days or a "bad" couple of weeks. I have been growing, acknowledging, and accepting that depression may or may not be a part of my reality for the rest of my life. So, instead of beating myself up, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me, I am endeavoring to accept this as my life and do what I can to not let it rule me. (Which, by the way, has worked better for me than any of the medications I had been on.)
 I hope this is helpful to someone. I hesitated to write this then thought, "you never know." Many times depression is such a hidden, dark thing-especially within the Christian community- which only exasperates the symptoms. I do not tell many people about what I used to, but for God's grace, deal with on a daily basis. 
After my most recent "bad" couple of weeks, I have been much more pro-active at recognizing some of my triggers, ways I am contributing to my own vicious cycles, and facilitating a more rapid recovery by doing what I know helps. My actions for recovery mostly include exercising regularly, journaling, and acknowledging that this is an episode and it, too, shall pass. This helped immensely when I spent several months riding the grief roller coaster after my mother passed away in September.
Last week, I began adding a focus on my inner voice: the power the words inside my head and that I speak about myself affect me. Very often I will say things such as "I'm such an idiot." "I'm so fat." "I am such a..." 
A moment of clarity came when Clay and I were having a conversation in the car and I said something to the affect of "I hate being such a failure!" Then I checked myself, for the first time I said, "I should not say such negative things about myself. I may feel like I have failed, but I am not a failure." I have never been a super positive person and the positive reinforcements are hard for me to take seriously about myself. But, I have to admit, there was something freeing in changing my words to "I feel..." rather than "I am..."
So, for the mornings when I feel like breaking into a rendition of Quazimodo's duet with Frollo in Disney's  The Hunchback of Notre Dame- ("I am deformed...and I am UUUGLY!" or his self-depreciating..."No face as hideous as my face....") Instead, I quote Han Solo (when he turns to Chewie after being submitted to Vader's torture table in The Empire Strikes Back-) "I feel terrible." Then I have to at least smile because I love the fact that I am so nerdy. So, there, day better already!
I want my "I am..." statements to be positives and all my negative emotions to turn into "I feel..."  Then that is all they will be: feelings. Valid, but no longer in control of my life.

My Gluten-free Trial

Today marks day 9 of a gluten free diet for me. 

I decided to readdress the search for food senetvities that Clay and I started back in August of last year. He was researching two weeks ago and said he thoughtI should get tested for a gluten sensitivity, or try it myself. So, I set out on a 3-4 week journey to go gluten free before I slowly reintroduce it back into my diet and see how my body responds. 
How my body has responded after a week:

- i don't experience brain fog or mid-day fatigue. I thought this was a problem for every body. Although, maybe my new-found cup of coffee routine has contributed to that. I must say, it is nice to feel what being tired is becauseI have been able to be productive. Despite a huge set-back because I got my back out of whack. 

- My cravings aren't as intense. I don't know whether it is because I am exercising self-control already by denying myself one of my favoite food groups. I am also thinking about what I eat again. 

- I do not feel so sluggish. We're not eating out as much because, there are not as many options available.

So, overall this is progress. And I dont't miss it as much as I thought I would. 

I will probably cut back a lot more even if I end up not having a sensitivity for gluten. 

Overall. I feel good. The past 9 days have been a breeze.

The Battle with Self

I have tried for the past two months to come up with something worth posting on here.
A lot of it has been about some triumphs or discoveries I've made as I am approaching the celebration of my 3rd year of marriage. I have been reading as part of my devotions "Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline." by Gary Thomas. OUCH! I highly recommend this book but, not for those who do not understand what the term Spiritual Discipline means. Several reviews I read seemed to completely misunderstand the point the author was trying to make. It as opened my eyes to my bad attitudes and mindsets. 
But, try as I may to come up with some cute or quirky little posting that will delight the eyes. I can't. 
The things that I have been dealing with such as, unforgiveness, grief, guilt, self-evaluation, self-hatred, the continuing battle with depression, I am not entirely sure how much I want to divulge in the open for every one who wishes to read. Maybe some day I will divulge more. But for now, it's not necessary.
Maybe it all comes down to the fact I feel out of place the majority of the time, not sure I am needed, or wanted, and it is a battle I constantly fight: the battle to be less self-absorbed and to focus on others instead. Because honestly, there was too much about "self" in the paragraph above.
So. I am beginning little by little to pursue that mindset with, first of all, my husband. To thank him for the little things. To accept his love. To serve him. To look outside of myself more.

2014's Resolutions: Further Life-Tweaks

I've approached this year's resolutions with a considerable amount of thought and encouragement from last year's resolutions successes. I've added one: the other 4 are continuations and tweaks.
1: Continued daily time with God: Focus on Prayer
I have revised the prayer focus list I created in 2012 to help remind me of who I have committed to pray for. I was excited to see answers to prayer I have already seen from my previous list. Why the focus on prayer? I have not been nearly as intentional or disciplined with prayer as I would like to be. So, just as I focused on Scripture reading last year, I will make prayer more of a focus this year. Not entirely sure how I can have a tangible goal like reading through the Bible in a year: I will try praying 5 days a week for at least 10 minutes and expand as I go.
2: Lose Weight: Goal of 20 more lbs.
True, I have only lost 15lbs this past year but, I hope to stay on track. I have already gotten back into a workout routine and now have a more active lifestyle. I have started this year at 191, size 14 pants. Excited for what progress I can continue to make towards being healthy. Of course this will be much easier one the last of the Christmas goodies are out of my house.
3: Pay off another $10,550 in debt. Pay cash for a car
The end result I would like to see of this goal is to surpass this! If we can stay on track this year, doing better than last year, I know we can.
We will need to purchase a new vehicle for me this year. There are some problems with my current mode of transportation. And also, I would appreciate having a 4 door car, and air conditioning this summer in case we can meet out debt goals. Because then it means we are on our way, God willing, to little ones.
4: Have my novel manuscript publication ready
I want to write more. I already write every day with journaling, etc. But, that is not helping me finish my novel. So, I have made myself a goal of writing 2 pages in 5 days. If I exceed...even better!
I also intend to blog every month, like I managed to last year.
I am proficient at excuses: and I have finally realized my "reasons" and only excuses bred from fear.
5: Utilize better organization so I can wisely manage my time more wisely
I have already begun practical steps to this: two weeks before the new year (thanks in part to Pinterest.) I created a monthly meal planning list, made a master inventory list that will make grocery shopping infinitely easier, grocery shopped for the month, budgeted (haven't done that since August...ugh!) and made up a list of weekly and monthly household chores. Overall, a bit of time here and there to save time and money in the end.
I already feel considerably less stressed.  Horray! 
So, I know there are several friends of mine who refuse to do resolutions: for those of you who do, what are your resolutions or goalsthis year?

How did my resolutions from 2013 go? So glad you asked!

My 2013 Resolutions:
1- Spend at least 30 min w/ God every day.
I did not necessarily spend every single day with 30 minutes or more of devotional times. But, the majority of my mornings were spent doing that very thing. In doing that, I returned to writing in my journal. My time with God became an important part of my day: and that by far was most important.
One way I decided to focus on Scripture reading was that I decided to finally read through the entire Bible. I have ready every book of the Bible, but never all the way through in one year.
I met that goal!

2- Lose Weight/Healthy Lifestyle
After a year of yo-yo-ing 5lbs here, 5lbs there: right before Thanksgiving, I had lost 18 lbs: I gained back 3 lbs over the Holidays. That isn't that bad, I suppose.
I started the new year with being barely a size 16 and weighing 206.
This morning, I weighed 191 and wear a size 14. 

15 lbs lost. The marbles are a
good motivational tool :)

Pretty good considering the year I have had.
The most exciting of all is that I think I have finally overcome the hugest part of my previous food addiction! I am looking forward to what I can accomplish this year now that I have a lifestyle of being active and enjoying healthy foods.
I even learned to love oranges this year!

 



3- Spending Life Style Improvement
We completed Financial Peace University. We have completed Step 1: Create an emergency fund of $1,000 in savings. Step 2 comes after step 3, silly enough. But, we are still held up at Step 3: Pay off Debt. We have paid off a total of $10,550 of our debt. In doing so, we have paid off a credit card, two school loans (small, but something!) and reduced steadily our debt.  Those are some things to celebrate!

4- Manuscript Publication Ready
My manuscript is not ready by any means.
I did, however, participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November: the goal of which is to write 50,000 words in a month. I wrote 26,303 words. Then the Holidays happened. I took the plunge though, I worked on it and realized I accept too many excuses from myself. They are not reasons, they are excuses.

That is how my resolutions went! I had an overall theme last year of making better daily choices to creat a new kind of lifestyle. Over all, my first year of making a resolution was a success, I think. I made progress on all my goals and completed one. All this is a good motivation for my New Year's Resolutions as I start 2014.  :)

Welcome to your 30th year, Mercy

    I made an interesting discovery on my birthday: all thanks to my husband and one of my best friends scheming to throw me a spectacular 30th birthday party.
    Clay plotted and tried his best to keep secret that he was throwing me a 90's themed party for my birthday. I admitted to him on my birthday, (this past Sunday, the 15th) that I suspected and my  suspicions of the theme were confirmed earlier that week. (BTW...if you create a Spotify playlist and your account is linked to Facebook it will not remain a secret for long) I told him "As long as it's better than my 90's actually were, then we're set." My 90's were second to worst time in my life. First probably being '07-Feb'09.  I digress... I was nervous as all get out. Every time I had heard about the 90's, someone was commenting how backwards my adolescence was. No one could believe how little I knew, how few movies I watched. So, in college, with the help of some friends, I aggressively tried to catch up on my "lost" experiences: only to feel I constantly came up short.
   The majority of my 90's was spent steeped in depression, guilt, shame, accompanied by the overwhelming self-centered egotistical self depreciation I think most adolescents encounter. I thought I was the most hideous, dorky, gross, unlovely person ever. Additionally, my home life was riddled with drama and trauma. My mother prohibited us from being part of "the world" outside of church events. She relaxed considerably when I was out of middle school: In the meantime we would sneak and watch TV when she was at work, or we were at friend's houses.
    On my birthday, I discovered that I was cooler, by the standards of the 90's than I thought. I was taken out to Goodwill to pick out an outfit and I have an "in" style and didn't even know it. Ha! I even broke out my butterfly clips I just could not stand to part with.
    I felt like a kid again, but not with all the emotional instability of puberty. It was good. It was nice to not be called names and discover similarities in others, and connect with friends. For the longest time, I've heard many people bemoan my shelteredness. So, I discovered a lot of 90's fun in the 2000's... a little behind, but pshhh... It's more fun to have friends introduce you to their life. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel at a disadvantage: as if my upbringing made me inferior.
   I'm 30. And I feel like an adult. I finally cherish my upbringing. Hmmm.
   When is a time that you, pleasantly, discovered you were not as _________ (fill in the blank) as you thought?

Suggestions for Helping a Grieving Friend.

In light of my most recent experience with loss I have observed how others handle another person's grief. I have made some of these mistakes in the past, and have experienced the blessings of people getting it right (at least for me). Yes, I realize everyone grieves differently. Yes, I realize everyone needs different things. I have been blessed, and also incredibly hurt on top of this grieving process. 

Kinda want to give people some heads up... Maybe address things no one else seems willing to talk about. 

This is my list of things I have discovered and ranted on over the past month.  

1- Everyone says "If there is anything I can do..." But few people actually mean it.

 I mean really mean it. Since coming home after Mom's memorial service, I had a total of four people do this well or even make an effort. 

I even attempted asking for help. I listed everything I needed help with around the house. It took a great deal of effort for that to happen. I had two responses. That is disheartening to say the least. 

If you really want to "do anything" it is so much easier on an already overwhelmed, emotionally vulnerable person if you offer specifically what you want to help with. Example. "I want to clean your house for you. Can I come over on Tuesday night?" Or even, " Are you home? I'm bringing you dinner tonight?" Don't leave it up to a grieving person to contact you for help. 

It is hard to know who you can truly depend on. The weeks after her death and the memorial service I needed just as much help, if not more, than right around the memorial.  At the service, I was surrounded by the love of people I grew up with, my friends, and my family. It's the "return to normal" where things got raw. Where love is desperately needed to be felt. Which leads me to-

2- Dont underestimate the power of a text message, or Facebook message, or just personally checking up on someone. 

It is not enough to just show a grieving person support up to or at the funeral or memorial service. 

True, some people want to just move on. But some of us get very angry that every one moves on and in a sense, forgets about us. That's what I dealt with. Not that I wanted special treatment. I just wanted acknowledgement with just a question "How are you doing?". That is a good reminder that you remember I'm going through a tough time. 

3- If you are unsure...ask!

If you don't know if I want company or need my space...ask

If you don't know if I have energy to make dinner...ask 

If you don't know if my poor husband needs a break from my processing and grief...ask

If you don't know if I want to get away from it all...ask 

This is closely related to the above rantings. 

The response I have gotten most often when I rant to my hubby about the lack of response from people has been... Most people don't even know what to do or say. All I could think was... Why don't they just ask?

When in doubt...ask. Offer. Avoid hurt feelings. 

4- Actions speak louder than words. 

Even in grief. You may have had the best of intentions, but intentions mean squat. Doing something speaks volumes. Especially in the weeks after. Heck...this is good to remember all the time. 

Ok.  I think I'm done now. 

What has been something specific and memorable that has helped you in a time of grief?

Which of my observations and rantings do you agree with or disagree with?

My Before I'm 40 Bucket List Part 1

In two months to the day, I will turn 30. Coupled with recent events in life, I have thought of what I have accomplished thus far, what goals I have met, etc. Thanks to an article by Jesse Carey in RELEVANT magazine entitled, "The Before You're 40 Bucket-list" I have created a Before I'm 40 Bucket List. I left some of his suggestions along with his descriptions, as well as substituted a couple of his items for some of my own. 

So...here are the first 10 of the 20 things I hope to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

1- Read the Entire Bible: 

I realized that I have read the entire Bible throughout the course of my life, quite a few times. But never made it deliberately through the Bible in a year. 

So I started it this year in January. I read anywhere from 1-3 chapters almost every day of the week (usually 5-6) from 2 books of seperate genres. I started out reading from an Old Testament and a New Testament book, but then started running out of NT books so, am saving 3 for later. 

So, for example. I am reading through 1 Samuel (a historical book), and starting Ezekiel (a prophecy book) tomorrow . Genesis and Revelation I am leaving for last, because I have read through those books so many times in my previous failed efforts to read through the whole Bible in a year. 

2- Finally Achieve My Goal Weight:

Why do I feel that I am always going to struggle with this? 

And that's kind of the point. I will keep trying to be healthy.  

3- Run a Marathon (or Some Kind of Endurance Race)

No matter what your current fitness level is, there are lots of options for you to take part in an endurance race. Whether it’s a 5K, Tough Mudder or a full-length marathon, choose a distance you’ll actually have to train for a few months to complete. Part of the joy of the accomplishment is looking back at all of the hard work you put in.

Now, this is one I would more likely do a walk than a run. This would be an accomplishment indeed. 

4- Watch Every Film on the AFI Top 100

Back in 1998, the American Film Institute polled 1,500 leaders in the film community and asked them to help assemble the top 100 American movies ever made. The list (which was updated in 2007) contains some movies that you’ve probably already seen (like Rocky, Forest Gump, Star Wars and Jaws) but its the deeper cuts (like Rear Window, Stagecoach, Duck Soup and All Quiet on the Western Front) showcasing the evolution of filmmaking and American pop culture, that make the task of watching each film such a rich experience.

This is one Clay and I have talked about accomplishing anyway so, this could be fun :) Considering I've only seen 2 out of the titles he listed...I think I have a long way to go. 

5- Pick a Country and Go Visit

Before you turn 40, pick at least one country that you’ve always wanted to visit, and make it happen. Create a plan to save a little money and store up some vacation time to go to the one place you’ve always wanted to see.

Le sigh... I have several countries I have always wanted to visit. The main two would be Germany and Great Britain (I know it's not 1 country but, yeah)  It takes a lot of money...that we are currently using to pay off debt. 

6- Speak a Second Language

If you are picking a country to go visit, why not try to also learn the language spoken there?

I started learning German and took Spanish at Asbury. I was once conversational in ASL. I want to do this. Maybe I still can. I would have time while we are saving up to go to learn German. 

7- Write Letters to the Five People Who Have Most Impacted Your Life

Don’t make the mistake of not telling the important people in your life how much they’ve impacted you. Even if the letters are short, sometime before you turn 40, think of the five people who have helped shape you as an adult, and let them know what they’ve meant to you.

Maybe I should still do this even though some of those people have passed on. 

8- Watch Every Season of a Few Great TV Shows

We are living in a golden age of television, in which critically acclaimed shows are the new Great American Novels. Pick out a few of the shows that will be remembered for making serialized TV important again, and watch them in their entirety. Marathon through a series like Arrested Development, The Walking Dead, The Wire or Breaking Bad, and see how the medium of television was reinvented in your generation.

Not sure entirely how noble a venture this is but, thanks to Netflix, Clay and I are working on it. Is there a list of these somewhere or is it just understood what shows are "great"?

9- Give Away Something Really Expensive

Before you turn 40, you should know the feeling of giving something away that costs a lot of money. Maybe you pool money with a couple of friends to buy a car for a single mom in need. Maybe it’s plane tickets for friend to go on a mission trip. Maybe it’s a bunch of really nice Christmas presents for kids who wouldn’t get any otherwise. At some point in your twenties or thirties, make it your personal goal to save enough money to give someone else something amazing.

I think this would be great! This is why we want to eliminate debt. So we CAN do stuff like this. 

10- Create Something New Every Week

Whether it is a drawing, writting something, painting, needlework, flower arrangement, or do gardening. Do something creative at least once a week. :)