Suggestions for Helping a Grieving Friend.

In light of my most recent experience with loss I have observed how others handle another person's grief. I have made some of these mistakes in the past, and have experienced the blessings of people getting it right (at least for me). Yes, I realize everyone grieves differently. Yes, I realize everyone needs different things. I have been blessed, and also incredibly hurt on top of this grieving process. 

Kinda want to give people some heads up... Maybe address things no one else seems willing to talk about. 

This is my list of things I have discovered and ranted on over the past month.  

1- Everyone says "If there is anything I can do..." But few people actually mean it.

 I mean really mean it. Since coming home after Mom's memorial service, I had a total of four people do this well or even make an effort. 

I even attempted asking for help. I listed everything I needed help with around the house. It took a great deal of effort for that to happen. I had two responses. That is disheartening to say the least. 

If you really want to "do anything" it is so much easier on an already overwhelmed, emotionally vulnerable person if you offer specifically what you want to help with. Example. "I want to clean your house for you. Can I come over on Tuesday night?" Or even, " Are you home? I'm bringing you dinner tonight?" Don't leave it up to a grieving person to contact you for help. 

It is hard to know who you can truly depend on. The weeks after her death and the memorial service I needed just as much help, if not more, than right around the memorial.  At the service, I was surrounded by the love of people I grew up with, my friends, and my family. It's the "return to normal" where things got raw. Where love is desperately needed to be felt. Which leads me to-

2- Dont underestimate the power of a text message, or Facebook message, or just personally checking up on someone. 

It is not enough to just show a grieving person support up to or at the funeral or memorial service. 

True, some people want to just move on. But some of us get very angry that every one moves on and in a sense, forgets about us. That's what I dealt with. Not that I wanted special treatment. I just wanted acknowledgement with just a question "How are you doing?". That is a good reminder that you remember I'm going through a tough time. 

3- If you are unsure...ask!

If you don't know if I want company or need my space...ask

If you don't know if I have energy to make dinner...ask 

If you don't know if my poor husband needs a break from my processing and grief...ask

If you don't know if I want to get away from it all...ask 

This is closely related to the above rantings. 

The response I have gotten most often when I rant to my hubby about the lack of response from people has been... Most people don't even know what to do or say. All I could think was... Why don't they just ask?

When in doubt...ask. Offer. Avoid hurt feelings. 

4- Actions speak louder than words. 

Even in grief. You may have had the best of intentions, but intentions mean squat. Doing something speaks volumes. Especially in the weeks after. Heck...this is good to remember all the time. 

Ok.  I think I'm done now. 

What has been something specific and memorable that has helped you in a time of grief?

Which of my observations and rantings do you agree with or disagree with?

Hello, life? Could you hold please....

   On Monday, I began to create a new post. I know it has been a couple weeks: wherein I tried to think of interesting topics to blog about or to gather energy enough to write. I just may backtrack and share what growth occurred during that time but right now, my life is continuing after being on hold for a miserable two days. 
    At 1:43 Monday afternoon, I learned that my uncle had died. Completely unexpected. In fact, I had anticipated writing him a letter after blogging because I had put off writing one three days prior. The next hour or so was spent in shock. Ten years ago I had lived (for a year) right next door to him and my Grandma. I loved it. Some days I find myself composing her a letter in my head or searching my contacts to call her before I remember....oh...She passed away February 29, 2008. I then directed those letters to my uncle: to let him know he was thought of and loved. But, I more often then not, I get too caught up in every day life: convinced it is too boring to put to paper.
    It has been a rough couple days: Actually, they have felt like a full week. Sleep didn't happen. I made an offer to drive my mother out to Utah (along with one of my sisters) to help her, console her, do whatever she needed. We (my family and I) scrambled to rearrange schedules and figure out finances all in the midst of keenly feeling the sudden loss of a man dearly loved by us all. I prepared my heart to go into the house where he passed. Where I had laughed with him and Grandma. To be hit by immense grief because I would be able to see where they are not...if that makes sense. 
     Last night was a huge mess for more reasons than I care to share. Let's just suffice it to say that my mother is making other arrangements: I am no longer making the voyage to the wilds of the Rocky Mountains. I no longer feel the pressure to not lose it so I can help my mother. I feel a great weight has lifted. I have waited all day for the tears to flow: in fact, my eyes have burned all day. I did not sleep well yet again last night. I have waited to feel the same overwhelming fatigue that has gripped every joint in my body over the past two days. I feel relieved. I have waited to feel guilty. (Some of it is because of mother issues, actually most of the turmoil is. But that's for another posting.) 
This third day, I have felt great. My work day is full of (usually) giggly babies to tickle, feed, change, and occupy my time. My Daddy, my sisters, my brother, my husband and God have strengthened, soothed and consoled me with their love.
      Grief is an odd thing. I know it affects every one differently every time. But, am I horrible for feeling relieved to the point it's like he hasn't died? I'm a little concerned that maybe I am just shutting it out of my mind for now thinking, "Oh, I'll deal with it later." (I have been known to do that) He was on my mind off and on all last week and I did not write. I'm thinking I should write the letter I was going to anyway. I've heard that doing something like that can help with closure.