The Battle with Self

I have tried for the past two months to come up with something worth posting on here.
A lot of it has been about some triumphs or discoveries I've made as I am approaching the celebration of my 3rd year of marriage. I have been reading as part of my devotions "Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline." by Gary Thomas. OUCH! I highly recommend this book but, not for those who do not understand what the term Spiritual Discipline means. Several reviews I read seemed to completely misunderstand the point the author was trying to make. It as opened my eyes to my bad attitudes and mindsets. 
But, try as I may to come up with some cute or quirky little posting that will delight the eyes. I can't. 
The things that I have been dealing with such as, unforgiveness, grief, guilt, self-evaluation, self-hatred, the continuing battle with depression, I am not entirely sure how much I want to divulge in the open for every one who wishes to read. Maybe some day I will divulge more. But for now, it's not necessary.
Maybe it all comes down to the fact I feel out of place the majority of the time, not sure I am needed, or wanted, and it is a battle I constantly fight: the battle to be less self-absorbed and to focus on others instead. Because honestly, there was too much about "self" in the paragraph above.
So. I am beginning little by little to pursue that mindset with, first of all, my husband. To thank him for the little things. To accept his love. To serve him. To look outside of myself more.

2014's Resolutions: Further Life-Tweaks

I've approached this year's resolutions with a considerable amount of thought and encouragement from last year's resolutions successes. I've added one: the other 4 are continuations and tweaks.
1: Continued daily time with God: Focus on Prayer
I have revised the prayer focus list I created in 2012 to help remind me of who I have committed to pray for. I was excited to see answers to prayer I have already seen from my previous list. Why the focus on prayer? I have not been nearly as intentional or disciplined with prayer as I would like to be. So, just as I focused on Scripture reading last year, I will make prayer more of a focus this year. Not entirely sure how I can have a tangible goal like reading through the Bible in a year: I will try praying 5 days a week for at least 10 minutes and expand as I go.
2: Lose Weight: Goal of 20 more lbs.
True, I have only lost 15lbs this past year but, I hope to stay on track. I have already gotten back into a workout routine and now have a more active lifestyle. I have started this year at 191, size 14 pants. Excited for what progress I can continue to make towards being healthy. Of course this will be much easier one the last of the Christmas goodies are out of my house.
3: Pay off another $10,550 in debt. Pay cash for a car
The end result I would like to see of this goal is to surpass this! If we can stay on track this year, doing better than last year, I know we can.
We will need to purchase a new vehicle for me this year. There are some problems with my current mode of transportation. And also, I would appreciate having a 4 door car, and air conditioning this summer in case we can meet out debt goals. Because then it means we are on our way, God willing, to little ones.
4: Have my novel manuscript publication ready
I want to write more. I already write every day with journaling, etc. But, that is not helping me finish my novel. So, I have made myself a goal of writing 2 pages in 5 days. If I exceed...even better!
I also intend to blog every month, like I managed to last year.
I am proficient at excuses: and I have finally realized my "reasons" and only excuses bred from fear.
5: Utilize better organization so I can wisely manage my time more wisely
I have already begun practical steps to this: two weeks before the new year (thanks in part to Pinterest.) I created a monthly meal planning list, made a master inventory list that will make grocery shopping infinitely easier, grocery shopped for the month, budgeted (haven't done that since August...ugh!) and made up a list of weekly and monthly household chores. Overall, a bit of time here and there to save time and money in the end.
I already feel considerably less stressed.  Horray! 
So, I know there are several friends of mine who refuse to do resolutions: for those of you who do, what are your resolutions or goalsthis year?

How did my resolutions from 2013 go? So glad you asked!

My 2013 Resolutions:
1- Spend at least 30 min w/ God every day.
I did not necessarily spend every single day with 30 minutes or more of devotional times. But, the majority of my mornings were spent doing that very thing. In doing that, I returned to writing in my journal. My time with God became an important part of my day: and that by far was most important.
One way I decided to focus on Scripture reading was that I decided to finally read through the entire Bible. I have ready every book of the Bible, but never all the way through in one year.
I met that goal!

2- Lose Weight/Healthy Lifestyle
After a year of yo-yo-ing 5lbs here, 5lbs there: right before Thanksgiving, I had lost 18 lbs: I gained back 3 lbs over the Holidays. That isn't that bad, I suppose.
I started the new year with being barely a size 16 and weighing 206.
This morning, I weighed 191 and wear a size 14. 

15 lbs lost. The marbles are a
good motivational tool :)

Pretty good considering the year I have had.
The most exciting of all is that I think I have finally overcome the hugest part of my previous food addiction! I am looking forward to what I can accomplish this year now that I have a lifestyle of being active and enjoying healthy foods.
I even learned to love oranges this year!

 



3- Spending Life Style Improvement
We completed Financial Peace University. We have completed Step 1: Create an emergency fund of $1,000 in savings. Step 2 comes after step 3, silly enough. But, we are still held up at Step 3: Pay off Debt. We have paid off a total of $10,550 of our debt. In doing so, we have paid off a credit card, two school loans (small, but something!) and reduced steadily our debt.  Those are some things to celebrate!

4- Manuscript Publication Ready
My manuscript is not ready by any means.
I did, however, participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November: the goal of which is to write 50,000 words in a month. I wrote 26,303 words. Then the Holidays happened. I took the plunge though, I worked on it and realized I accept too many excuses from myself. They are not reasons, they are excuses.

That is how my resolutions went! I had an overall theme last year of making better daily choices to creat a new kind of lifestyle. Over all, my first year of making a resolution was a success, I think. I made progress on all my goals and completed one. All this is a good motivation for my New Year's Resolutions as I start 2014.  :)

Welcome to your 30th year, Mercy

    I made an interesting discovery on my birthday: all thanks to my husband and one of my best friends scheming to throw me a spectacular 30th birthday party.
    Clay plotted and tried his best to keep secret that he was throwing me a 90's themed party for my birthday. I admitted to him on my birthday, (this past Sunday, the 15th) that I suspected and my  suspicions of the theme were confirmed earlier that week. (BTW...if you create a Spotify playlist and your account is linked to Facebook it will not remain a secret for long) I told him "As long as it's better than my 90's actually were, then we're set." My 90's were second to worst time in my life. First probably being '07-Feb'09.  I digress... I was nervous as all get out. Every time I had heard about the 90's, someone was commenting how backwards my adolescence was. No one could believe how little I knew, how few movies I watched. So, in college, with the help of some friends, I aggressively tried to catch up on my "lost" experiences: only to feel I constantly came up short.
   The majority of my 90's was spent steeped in depression, guilt, shame, accompanied by the overwhelming self-centered egotistical self depreciation I think most adolescents encounter. I thought I was the most hideous, dorky, gross, unlovely person ever. Additionally, my home life was riddled with drama and trauma. My mother prohibited us from being part of "the world" outside of church events. She relaxed considerably when I was out of middle school: In the meantime we would sneak and watch TV when she was at work, or we were at friend's houses.
    On my birthday, I discovered that I was cooler, by the standards of the 90's than I thought. I was taken out to Goodwill to pick out an outfit and I have an "in" style and didn't even know it. Ha! I even broke out my butterfly clips I just could not stand to part with.
    I felt like a kid again, but not with all the emotional instability of puberty. It was good. It was nice to not be called names and discover similarities in others, and connect with friends. For the longest time, I've heard many people bemoan my shelteredness. So, I discovered a lot of 90's fun in the 2000's... a little behind, but pshhh... It's more fun to have friends introduce you to their life. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel at a disadvantage: as if my upbringing made me inferior.
   I'm 30. And I feel like an adult. I finally cherish my upbringing. Hmmm.
   When is a time that you, pleasantly, discovered you were not as _________ (fill in the blank) as you thought?

Suggestions for Helping a Grieving Friend.

In light of my most recent experience with loss I have observed how others handle another person's grief. I have made some of these mistakes in the past, and have experienced the blessings of people getting it right (at least for me). Yes, I realize everyone grieves differently. Yes, I realize everyone needs different things. I have been blessed, and also incredibly hurt on top of this grieving process. 

Kinda want to give people some heads up... Maybe address things no one else seems willing to talk about. 

This is my list of things I have discovered and ranted on over the past month.  

1- Everyone says "If there is anything I can do..." But few people actually mean it.

 I mean really mean it. Since coming home after Mom's memorial service, I had a total of four people do this well or even make an effort. 

I even attempted asking for help. I listed everything I needed help with around the house. It took a great deal of effort for that to happen. I had two responses. That is disheartening to say the least. 

If you really want to "do anything" it is so much easier on an already overwhelmed, emotionally vulnerable person if you offer specifically what you want to help with. Example. "I want to clean your house for you. Can I come over on Tuesday night?" Or even, " Are you home? I'm bringing you dinner tonight?" Don't leave it up to a grieving person to contact you for help. 

It is hard to know who you can truly depend on. The weeks after her death and the memorial service I needed just as much help, if not more, than right around the memorial.  At the service, I was surrounded by the love of people I grew up with, my friends, and my family. It's the "return to normal" where things got raw. Where love is desperately needed to be felt. Which leads me to-

2- Dont underestimate the power of a text message, or Facebook message, or just personally checking up on someone. 

It is not enough to just show a grieving person support up to or at the funeral or memorial service. 

True, some people want to just move on. But some of us get very angry that every one moves on and in a sense, forgets about us. That's what I dealt with. Not that I wanted special treatment. I just wanted acknowledgement with just a question "How are you doing?". That is a good reminder that you remember I'm going through a tough time. 

3- If you are unsure...ask!

If you don't know if I want company or need my space...ask

If you don't know if I have energy to make dinner...ask 

If you don't know if my poor husband needs a break from my processing and grief...ask

If you don't know if I want to get away from it all...ask 

This is closely related to the above rantings. 

The response I have gotten most often when I rant to my hubby about the lack of response from people has been... Most people don't even know what to do or say. All I could think was... Why don't they just ask?

When in doubt...ask. Offer. Avoid hurt feelings. 

4- Actions speak louder than words. 

Even in grief. You may have had the best of intentions, but intentions mean squat. Doing something speaks volumes. Especially in the weeks after. Heck...this is good to remember all the time. 

Ok.  I think I'm done now. 

What has been something specific and memorable that has helped you in a time of grief?

Which of my observations and rantings do you agree with or disagree with?

My Before I'm 40 Bucket List Part 1

In two months to the day, I will turn 30. Coupled with recent events in life, I have thought of what I have accomplished thus far, what goals I have met, etc. Thanks to an article by Jesse Carey in RELEVANT magazine entitled, "The Before You're 40 Bucket-list" I have created a Before I'm 40 Bucket List. I left some of his suggestions along with his descriptions, as well as substituted a couple of his items for some of my own. 

So...here are the first 10 of the 20 things I hope to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

1- Read the Entire Bible: 

I realized that I have read the entire Bible throughout the course of my life, quite a few times. But never made it deliberately through the Bible in a year. 

So I started it this year in January. I read anywhere from 1-3 chapters almost every day of the week (usually 5-6) from 2 books of seperate genres. I started out reading from an Old Testament and a New Testament book, but then started running out of NT books so, am saving 3 for later. 

So, for example. I am reading through 1 Samuel (a historical book), and starting Ezekiel (a prophecy book) tomorrow . Genesis and Revelation I am leaving for last, because I have read through those books so many times in my previous failed efforts to read through the whole Bible in a year. 

2- Finally Achieve My Goal Weight:

Why do I feel that I am always going to struggle with this? 

And that's kind of the point. I will keep trying to be healthy.  

3- Run a Marathon (or Some Kind of Endurance Race)

No matter what your current fitness level is, there are lots of options for you to take part in an endurance race. Whether it’s a 5K, Tough Mudder or a full-length marathon, choose a distance you’ll actually have to train for a few months to complete. Part of the joy of the accomplishment is looking back at all of the hard work you put in.

Now, this is one I would more likely do a walk than a run. This would be an accomplishment indeed. 

4- Watch Every Film on the AFI Top 100

Back in 1998, the American Film Institute polled 1,500 leaders in the film community and asked them to help assemble the top 100 American movies ever made. The list (which was updated in 2007) contains some movies that you’ve probably already seen (like Rocky, Forest Gump, Star Wars and Jaws) but its the deeper cuts (like Rear Window, Stagecoach, Duck Soup and All Quiet on the Western Front) showcasing the evolution of filmmaking and American pop culture, that make the task of watching each film such a rich experience.

This is one Clay and I have talked about accomplishing anyway so, this could be fun :) Considering I've only seen 2 out of the titles he listed...I think I have a long way to go. 

5- Pick a Country and Go Visit

Before you turn 40, pick at least one country that you’ve always wanted to visit, and make it happen. Create a plan to save a little money and store up some vacation time to go to the one place you’ve always wanted to see.

Le sigh... I have several countries I have always wanted to visit. The main two would be Germany and Great Britain (I know it's not 1 country but, yeah)  It takes a lot of money...that we are currently using to pay off debt. 

6- Speak a Second Language

If you are picking a country to go visit, why not try to also learn the language spoken there?

I started learning German and took Spanish at Asbury. I was once conversational in ASL. I want to do this. Maybe I still can. I would have time while we are saving up to go to learn German. 

7- Write Letters to the Five People Who Have Most Impacted Your Life

Don’t make the mistake of not telling the important people in your life how much they’ve impacted you. Even if the letters are short, sometime before you turn 40, think of the five people who have helped shape you as an adult, and let them know what they’ve meant to you.

Maybe I should still do this even though some of those people have passed on. 

8- Watch Every Season of a Few Great TV Shows

We are living in a golden age of television, in which critically acclaimed shows are the new Great American Novels. Pick out a few of the shows that will be remembered for making serialized TV important again, and watch them in their entirety. Marathon through a series like Arrested Development, The Walking Dead, The Wire or Breaking Bad, and see how the medium of television was reinvented in your generation.

Not sure entirely how noble a venture this is but, thanks to Netflix, Clay and I are working on it. Is there a list of these somewhere or is it just understood what shows are "great"?

9- Give Away Something Really Expensive

Before you turn 40, you should know the feeling of giving something away that costs a lot of money. Maybe you pool money with a couple of friends to buy a car for a single mom in need. Maybe it’s plane tickets for friend to go on a mission trip. Maybe it’s a bunch of really nice Christmas presents for kids who wouldn’t get any otherwise. At some point in your twenties or thirties, make it your personal goal to save enough money to give someone else something amazing.

I think this would be great! This is why we want to eliminate debt. So we CAN do stuff like this. 

10- Create Something New Every Week

Whether it is a drawing, writting something, painting, needlework, flower arrangement, or do gardening. Do something creative at least once a week. :) 

My Before I'm 40 Bucket List Part 2

In mid December, I will turn 30. Coupled with recent events in life, I have thought of what I have accomplished thus far, what goals I have met, etc. Thanks to an article by Jesse Carey in RELEVANT magazine entitled, "The Before You're 40 Bucket-list" I have created a Before I'm 40 Bucket List. I left some of his suggestions along with his descriptions, as well as substituted a couple of his items for some of my own. 

So, here are the other 10 out of 20 things to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

11- Apply for Your Dream Job

Don’t look back later in life with regret, wondering what could have been. Even if you don’t think you’re qualified for the job you’ve always dreamed of, at some point in your twenties or thirties, apply for the job you've always wanted. It may not lead to any dramatic career choice, but unless you give it a shot, you will never know.

My dream job has always been to be a stay at home Mom. There is not an application processfor that. But, I most definitely hope to make it there before I'm 40.

12- Take the Stage. Alone

Preach a sermon. Try stand-up comedy. Deliver a TED-like lecture. Find an opportunity to be alone on a stage in front of a crowd with nothing to move them but a microphone and your own thoughts. Public speaking can be terrifying—but it can also be exhilarating .

I have soloed often. The most impactfull stage moment occurred not entirely by myself: I spoke at my mother's memorial service following my four siblings. I was the one who introduced the congregational song. I should do this at every opportunity I can. 

13- Go on Another Road Trip of at Least a Thousand Miles

I've moved cross country before and rode and drove from NC to L.A already. I hope to make it back west, though. We have talked (my siblings and I) of going to Utah together. I really hope this happens. 

14- Write a Short Story

Everyone has a good story in them. Take the time to craft at least one good short story at some point in your twenties or thirties. You don’t ever have to publish it or even share it with anyone else, but it’s an exercise of self-analysis that everyone should go through at least once.

I thought it interesting that he put this on the list. I wrote my first story when I was 6. It was pathetic, but a start. My bucket list is to be a published novelist before I am 40. At one point in time (just last year, in fact) it was before I am 30. But this is not happening. I am at least working at it.

15- Go On a Mission/Humanitarian Aid Trip

The only thing that has prevented this before now is finances and times off work.I would even be open to going on the mission field for a year or so. If the opportunity presents itself.

16- Learn to Play a New Instrument

Grab that old guitar sitting in the attic, pick up a harmonic or go ahead and purchase that drum set you’ve always wanted. Who knows? Maybe you even a have a hidden talent that’s just waiting to be discovered.

Yay, guitar, viola violin.....I have always wanted to play piano, though: much better than I already pick out. But, we have no room for a piano. Not my mother's parlor grand piano anyway.  

17- Find a Mentor and a Mentee

You’re never too old to learn from someone older than you—and to teach someone younger.

I have tried for years to find a mentor. The closest I have is my sister. Not sure what I am doing wrong. Maybe it's my lack of quick trustin other people? 

I have been a mentor before. Wouldn't mind doing it again.

18- Memorize the Lord’s Prayer, the Apostle’s Creed, the Great Commission and the Beatitudes

By memorizing these relatively short items, you’ll be able to recite four key principles of Christian faith—how to pray (the Lord’s Prayer), your calling (the Great Commission), the teachings of the Gospel (the Apostle’s Creed) and how to live (the Beatitudes). 

Done it! Also know the Nicenene Creed thanks to years at the Episcopal Church. Maybe I can do more theology study and all that, too. 

19- Face your fear

Whether it’s public speaking, an aversion to water, the fear of rejection or a dislike of flying, you don’t have to totally conquer your fears in your twenties or thirties, but you should face them. Sign up for swimming lessons, go to Toast Masters or even seek counseling. Taking steps to control your fear as an adult will make sure it doesn’t have to control you.

Sometimes I feel I face a fear nearly every week. There has been at least one fear I conquer every couple of years. I used to be a terrified child and in a state of constant anxiety. 

Biggest fears I have faced this year: riding through an under water tunnel (fear of drowning). Responding to my mother's death: the fear that I had not truly forgiven her. 

My biggest fear to conquer is my own perception of what others think/will think of me. Not be intimidated by perceptions or misbeliefs. 

20- Sponsor a child

There are a ton of organizations (World Vision, Compassion International, ChildFund International), that will let you sponsor a child in need for less than your cell phone bill. 

I have sponsored a total of 3 children. This year, though, Clay and I started sponsoring a child together. A boy through the orphanage our church sponsors in India.