No Longer A Victim

It all started with the media fiasco of making it popular to talk all about domestic violence. I made the "mistake" of reading some of the "Why I Stayed" campaign pictures. Why was it a mistake? Some of those reasons were my own 6 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, if all the media attention can help one woman (or man!) gain the courage to seek freedom themselves, then this fad is all worth it. However, for me, it's been a constant reminder of something I'd rather forget. 

Prior to this, it was maybe every other month that the enemy of my soul beat me with the familiar abusive words and reliving the actions of a couple people in particular. If I happened to hear a joke or offhanded comment from someone about beating, raping, that type of thing (another soapbox for another day) it will sometimes trigger that mental track as well. 

I have been re-assaulted mentally and emotionally as Facebook was flooded with everyone informing me about domestic abuse and how desperately we need to make people aware! (It all reminded me of a classmate in college turning to me in the cafeteria, shocked, and sorry to inform me that most rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance. I just forced a smile and nod while I was mentally screaming at her. I wasn't about to tell her how personally, multiply, I was all too aware. She'd already referenced non-virgins as "damaged goods" previously in the conversation.)

So, a couple of days of conversations revolving around what seemed to be the popular topic of abuse, I was in the shower, despairing, crying. I didn't want to be a victim again. I didn't want to relive my experiences randomly because it's the new buzz word. 

But then, God whispered to me: I am not a victim. I am not just a survivor. He has helped me to thrive. He showed me how far I have come. I have been rescued, and through the grace of God, this is all being redeemed into something beautiful. I told myself to stop whining about it, let God be the lifter of my head and remind me of who He created and redeemed me to be. So, I have been working on running to Jesus with these memories, release them in forgiveness, lifting my empty hands for more healing. 

I've debated on whether to continue keeping all of this to myself or not. I'm a normally private person. But, I have been reminded that I've thought many times that everything I experienced is completely worth it if I am able to help someone. Now I say it is more than worth it just to say "look at what Jesus have done." 

This morning I had a dream. A dream that would have normally distressed me. Not a memory, but it might as well have been. The difference in this dream? I felt, not despair and helplessness, but peace, joy even.

That has been my struggle the past couple of weeks, fighting anger and frustration because something that can still be deeply painful is now suddenly being talked about because it has celebrity status. I have not been believed and told I was stupid and should have known better and all that. 
I am not even 100 percent certain why I'm writing this blog. I'd much rather go on without everyone knowing these parts of my past. Maybe I'm just wanting to vent, which is more than likely true. Maybe I'm like everyone else: I just want to be listened to. 
But, it would be awesome if someone will be encouraged by this "venting". There is healing and hope even when memories come haunting. I am grateful that I am far from being the same person I once was. Most days I do not recognize the person I am in those memories.
I choose to focus on that. 

I feel VS I am

As some of you may or may not know, I deal with depression and have ever since I was about 11 years old. Thanks to some counseling, accompanied by medication at times, and lifestyle changes, I learned how to cope and rise out of the darkest times of my life. I am extremely thankful that I mostly have good days now: every couple of months I have a "bad" couple of days or a "bad" couple of weeks. I have been growing, acknowledging, and accepting that depression may or may not be a part of my reality for the rest of my life. So, instead of beating myself up, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me, I am endeavoring to accept this as my life and do what I can to not let it rule me. (Which, by the way, has worked better for me than any of the medications I had been on.)
 I hope this is helpful to someone. I hesitated to write this then thought, "you never know." Many times depression is such a hidden, dark thing-especially within the Christian community- which only exasperates the symptoms. I do not tell many people about what I used to, but for God's grace, deal with on a daily basis. 
After my most recent "bad" couple of weeks, I have been much more pro-active at recognizing some of my triggers, ways I am contributing to my own vicious cycles, and facilitating a more rapid recovery by doing what I know helps. My actions for recovery mostly include exercising regularly, journaling, and acknowledging that this is an episode and it, too, shall pass. This helped immensely when I spent several months riding the grief roller coaster after my mother passed away in September.
Last week, I began adding a focus on my inner voice: the power the words inside my head and that I speak about myself affect me. Very often I will say things such as "I'm such an idiot." "I'm so fat." "I am such a..." 
A moment of clarity came when Clay and I were having a conversation in the car and I said something to the affect of "I hate being such a failure!" Then I checked myself, for the first time I said, "I should not say such negative things about myself. I may feel like I have failed, but I am not a failure." I have never been a super positive person and the positive reinforcements are hard for me to take seriously about myself. But, I have to admit, there was something freeing in changing my words to "I feel..." rather than "I am..."
So, for the mornings when I feel like breaking into a rendition of Quazimodo's duet with Frollo in Disney's  The Hunchback of Notre Dame- ("I am deformed...and I am UUUGLY!" or his self-depreciating..."No face as hideous as my face....") Instead, I quote Han Solo (when he turns to Chewie after being submitted to Vader's torture table in The Empire Strikes Back-) "I feel terrible." Then I have to at least smile because I love the fact that I am so nerdy. So, there, day better already!
I want my "I am..." statements to be positives and all my negative emotions to turn into "I feel..."  Then that is all they will be: feelings. Valid, but no longer in control of my life.

My Gluten-free Trial

Today marks day 9 of a gluten free diet for me. 

I decided to readdress the search for food senetvities that Clay and I started back in August of last year. He was researching two weeks ago and said he thoughtI should get tested for a gluten sensitivity, or try it myself. So, I set out on a 3-4 week journey to go gluten free before I slowly reintroduce it back into my diet and see how my body responds. 
How my body has responded after a week:

- i don't experience brain fog or mid-day fatigue. I thought this was a problem for every body. Although, maybe my new-found cup of coffee routine has contributed to that. I must say, it is nice to feel what being tired is becauseI have been able to be productive. Despite a huge set-back because I got my back out of whack. 

- My cravings aren't as intense. I don't know whether it is because I am exercising self-control already by denying myself one of my favoite food groups. I am also thinking about what I eat again. 

- I do not feel so sluggish. We're not eating out as much because, there are not as many options available.

So, overall this is progress. And I dont't miss it as much as I thought I would. 

I will probably cut back a lot more even if I end up not having a sensitivity for gluten. 

Overall. I feel good. The past 9 days have been a breeze.

The Battle with Self

I have tried for the past two months to come up with something worth posting on here.
A lot of it has been about some triumphs or discoveries I've made as I am approaching the celebration of my 3rd year of marriage. I have been reading as part of my devotions "Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline." by Gary Thomas. OUCH! I highly recommend this book but, not for those who do not understand what the term Spiritual Discipline means. Several reviews I read seemed to completely misunderstand the point the author was trying to make. It as opened my eyes to my bad attitudes and mindsets. 
But, try as I may to come up with some cute or quirky little posting that will delight the eyes. I can't. 
The things that I have been dealing with such as, unforgiveness, grief, guilt, self-evaluation, self-hatred, the continuing battle with depression, I am not entirely sure how much I want to divulge in the open for every one who wishes to read. Maybe some day I will divulge more. But for now, it's not necessary.
Maybe it all comes down to the fact I feel out of place the majority of the time, not sure I am needed, or wanted, and it is a battle I constantly fight: the battle to be less self-absorbed and to focus on others instead. Because honestly, there was too much about "self" in the paragraph above.
So. I am beginning little by little to pursue that mindset with, first of all, my husband. To thank him for the little things. To accept his love. To serve him. To look outside of myself more.

2014's Resolutions: Further Life-Tweaks

I've approached this year's resolutions with a considerable amount of thought and encouragement from last year's resolutions successes. I've added one: the other 4 are continuations and tweaks.
1: Continued daily time with God: Focus on Prayer
I have revised the prayer focus list I created in 2012 to help remind me of who I have committed to pray for. I was excited to see answers to prayer I have already seen from my previous list. Why the focus on prayer? I have not been nearly as intentional or disciplined with prayer as I would like to be. So, just as I focused on Scripture reading last year, I will make prayer more of a focus this year. Not entirely sure how I can have a tangible goal like reading through the Bible in a year: I will try praying 5 days a week for at least 10 minutes and expand as I go.
2: Lose Weight: Goal of 20 more lbs.
True, I have only lost 15lbs this past year but, I hope to stay on track. I have already gotten back into a workout routine and now have a more active lifestyle. I have started this year at 191, size 14 pants. Excited for what progress I can continue to make towards being healthy. Of course this will be much easier one the last of the Christmas goodies are out of my house.
3: Pay off another $10,550 in debt. Pay cash for a car
The end result I would like to see of this goal is to surpass this! If we can stay on track this year, doing better than last year, I know we can.
We will need to purchase a new vehicle for me this year. There are some problems with my current mode of transportation. And also, I would appreciate having a 4 door car, and air conditioning this summer in case we can meet out debt goals. Because then it means we are on our way, God willing, to little ones.
4: Have my novel manuscript publication ready
I want to write more. I already write every day with journaling, etc. But, that is not helping me finish my novel. So, I have made myself a goal of writing 2 pages in 5 days. If I exceed...even better!
I also intend to blog every month, like I managed to last year.
I am proficient at excuses: and I have finally realized my "reasons" and only excuses bred from fear.
5: Utilize better organization so I can wisely manage my time more wisely
I have already begun practical steps to this: two weeks before the new year (thanks in part to Pinterest.) I created a monthly meal planning list, made a master inventory list that will make grocery shopping infinitely easier, grocery shopped for the month, budgeted (haven't done that since August...ugh!) and made up a list of weekly and monthly household chores. Overall, a bit of time here and there to save time and money in the end.
I already feel considerably less stressed.  Horray! 
So, I know there are several friends of mine who refuse to do resolutions: for those of you who do, what are your resolutions or goalsthis year?

How did my resolutions from 2013 go? So glad you asked!

My 2013 Resolutions:
1- Spend at least 30 min w/ God every day.
I did not necessarily spend every single day with 30 minutes or more of devotional times. But, the majority of my mornings were spent doing that very thing. In doing that, I returned to writing in my journal. My time with God became an important part of my day: and that by far was most important.
One way I decided to focus on Scripture reading was that I decided to finally read through the entire Bible. I have ready every book of the Bible, but never all the way through in one year.
I met that goal!

2- Lose Weight/Healthy Lifestyle
After a year of yo-yo-ing 5lbs here, 5lbs there: right before Thanksgiving, I had lost 18 lbs: I gained back 3 lbs over the Holidays. That isn't that bad, I suppose.
I started the new year with being barely a size 16 and weighing 206.
This morning, I weighed 191 and wear a size 14. 

15 lbs lost. The marbles are a
good motivational tool :)

Pretty good considering the year I have had.
The most exciting of all is that I think I have finally overcome the hugest part of my previous food addiction! I am looking forward to what I can accomplish this year now that I have a lifestyle of being active and enjoying healthy foods.
I even learned to love oranges this year!

 



3- Spending Life Style Improvement
We completed Financial Peace University. We have completed Step 1: Create an emergency fund of $1,000 in savings. Step 2 comes after step 3, silly enough. But, we are still held up at Step 3: Pay off Debt. We have paid off a total of $10,550 of our debt. In doing so, we have paid off a credit card, two school loans (small, but something!) and reduced steadily our debt.  Those are some things to celebrate!

4- Manuscript Publication Ready
My manuscript is not ready by any means.
I did, however, participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November: the goal of which is to write 50,000 words in a month. I wrote 26,303 words. Then the Holidays happened. I took the plunge though, I worked on it and realized I accept too many excuses from myself. They are not reasons, they are excuses.

That is how my resolutions went! I had an overall theme last year of making better daily choices to creat a new kind of lifestyle. Over all, my first year of making a resolution was a success, I think. I made progress on all my goals and completed one. All this is a good motivation for my New Year's Resolutions as I start 2014.  :)

Welcome to your 30th year, Mercy

    I made an interesting discovery on my birthday: all thanks to my husband and one of my best friends scheming to throw me a spectacular 30th birthday party.
    Clay plotted and tried his best to keep secret that he was throwing me a 90's themed party for my birthday. I admitted to him on my birthday, (this past Sunday, the 15th) that I suspected and my  suspicions of the theme were confirmed earlier that week. (BTW...if you create a Spotify playlist and your account is linked to Facebook it will not remain a secret for long) I told him "As long as it's better than my 90's actually were, then we're set." My 90's were second to worst time in my life. First probably being '07-Feb'09.  I digress... I was nervous as all get out. Every time I had heard about the 90's, someone was commenting how backwards my adolescence was. No one could believe how little I knew, how few movies I watched. So, in college, with the help of some friends, I aggressively tried to catch up on my "lost" experiences: only to feel I constantly came up short.
   The majority of my 90's was spent steeped in depression, guilt, shame, accompanied by the overwhelming self-centered egotistical self depreciation I think most adolescents encounter. I thought I was the most hideous, dorky, gross, unlovely person ever. Additionally, my home life was riddled with drama and trauma. My mother prohibited us from being part of "the world" outside of church events. She relaxed considerably when I was out of middle school: In the meantime we would sneak and watch TV when she was at work, or we were at friend's houses.
    On my birthday, I discovered that I was cooler, by the standards of the 90's than I thought. I was taken out to Goodwill to pick out an outfit and I have an "in" style and didn't even know it. Ha! I even broke out my butterfly clips I just could not stand to part with.
    I felt like a kid again, but not with all the emotional instability of puberty. It was good. It was nice to not be called names and discover similarities in others, and connect with friends. For the longest time, I've heard many people bemoan my shelteredness. So, I discovered a lot of 90's fun in the 2000's... a little behind, but pshhh... It's more fun to have friends introduce you to their life. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel at a disadvantage: as if my upbringing made me inferior.
   I'm 30. And I feel like an adult. I finally cherish my upbringing. Hmmm.
   When is a time that you, pleasantly, discovered you were not as _________ (fill in the blank) as you thought?