Dear Ex...

     Why do exes think it's ok to message you? 

      My first thought was, "Who do you think you are?" Followed by, "How dare you invade my life again! Why in the world should I care that you are glad I'm happy, married, finished school and settled down?" And in my head, (I blush) some very bad words.

      I wanted to message him that response. I wanted him to know in no uncertain terms that I was angry. He was the last person in the world I wanted to hear from. I wanted him to know I am not ok with his messaging me. I didn't respond though and do not plan to. 

      After mulling over it some more today, and recalling the half dozen other times exes have messaged me, I came up with a list of things I wish I could tell him but never will. Not just the particular ex who messaged me last night, but to all my exes. 

      The list was the most surprising to me out of all my reactions. 

1- Thank you for the abuse, lies, deceit, and for destroying my life. 

Because now I know what it means to walk in truth and my life has been made new. 

(2 Corinthians 5:17)

2- Thank you for stealing from me physically and financially. 

Because now, at last, I believe I am valuable because I am me and not just for what I have to offer. 

Plus I am better about my finances and know to listen to my gut. 

3- Thank you for teaching me that just claiming to be a Christian doesn't mean you are. 

This taught me about myself. It taught me to be picky, hold my standards high and trust God. This lesson took longer than most but now I have a husband who sees being a Christian as more than a title: it's a lifestyle of imitating Christ and he is seeking to live that out. 

4- Thank you for haunting my dreams and memories and turning them into nightmares. 

Now I can never forget where I've been and what God has rescued me from. It's humbling. It's awesome.

5- Thank you for being the reason I hit rock bottom and realized I would rather die than not pursue Christ and become who He created me to be. 

I will never forget the night of horror when you did what you did and I cried out to Jesus. i am seeing dreams fulfilled as i pursue my beautiful Savior. Thank you.  

6- Thank you for being one of the reasons I learned how vital and freeing forgiveness is. 

That even now, after my initial shock had anger have passed, I am full of gratitude. That I can now pray for you...and mean it. 

I am not who I once was. I did not know how deeply God has worked in me and my heart's  response has shown me that. So, yes, Dear Ex, my last note of gratitude is...Thank you for messaging me.

Second Week: What I've Lost and Gained

Week two of changing our life style. How's it going?
Well, on Monday (last week) I weighed myself, dreading the whole stepping on the scale thing, hoping that I had lost a pound at least. Well, I have lost 4 pounds! Definite motivation to continue working out and eating well.
Of course, this second week, I have had all sorts of things thrown at me to hinder my progress. This time around my body was especially cruel. I had two full blown migraine days in a row. And it still hung on two days after. So, there has been a bit less vigorous workout: but I have been logged 5-7 miles a day on my exercise bike. I decided to not give up: no matter what. There will always be something that will come along to try to break up my determination.
Second week of spending morning time with Jesus was as much of a workout as my physical workout. In addition to reading in the Bible and spending time in prayer, I have been getting my butt kicked by George MacDonald. Knowing the Heart of God is a compilation of MacDonald's writings, poems, etc. I felt moved to purchase this book probably 13 plus years ago. The first time I attempted to read it I did not understand half of what was being said so, I gave up after a couple of chapters. Several times over the past decade or so, I have started to get rid of the book, but each time I would feel a check that I would need it one day. Interestingly enough, when I determined to start spending time studying scripture, being with God, etc, that book immediately popped into my head. It has definitely been challenging, and rewarding.
What else have I lost? The weight of mistrust, negative attitudes, some bitterness. Of course some sleep as I attempt to wake up at 6:15 every morning to work out. Admittedly I go back to bed a little after 8 for about an hour and a half. But, for a lover of sleep, this is a sacrifice when I do not get to bed until 1 ever night. But, because of my staying up late (usually talking and hanging out with my sister)  I am gaining a deeper relationship with my sister as we work through reestablishing our once air-tight relationship. Now to balance out and get figure out how to still hang out and get to bed earlier.
Another gain is a deeper relationship and unity with Clay. It's wonderful and encouraging that the more time you spend with God, the more your other priorities line up. Clay and I are furthering out healthy lifestyles by changing out priorities and taking steps to manage our free time more wisely. Most of last year we spent feeling frazzled, too busy, and over-committed. As we enter our third year together and second year of marriage, we are taking a serious look at what kind of a marriage we want and we are aggressively pursuing open, honest communication with each other, preserving and deepening our friendships, while growing together in Christ as we minister together and fellowship with our Church family.
Week one of Financial Peace was not nearly as difficult as I had anticipated. I feel we were already on the same team with all the debt we have previously tackled: we just needed better tools and to get a bit of a leg up on encouragement. All the leg work, tears, frustrations, long talks and budgeting from the previous year and half have not been in vain.
So far, this year looks to be full of hard work, with exciting potential for amazing, God sized results!
We can do this! On to week three of life changes!