Hello, life? Could you hold please....

   On Monday, I began to create a new post. I know it has been a couple weeks: wherein I tried to think of interesting topics to blog about or to gather energy enough to write. I just may backtrack and share what growth occurred during that time but right now, my life is continuing after being on hold for a miserable two days. 
    At 1:43 Monday afternoon, I learned that my uncle had died. Completely unexpected. In fact, I had anticipated writing him a letter after blogging because I had put off writing one three days prior. The next hour or so was spent in shock. Ten years ago I had lived (for a year) right next door to him and my Grandma. I loved it. Some days I find myself composing her a letter in my head or searching my contacts to call her before I remember....oh...She passed away February 29, 2008. I then directed those letters to my uncle: to let him know he was thought of and loved. But, I more often then not, I get too caught up in every day life: convinced it is too boring to put to paper.
    It has been a rough couple days: Actually, they have felt like a full week. Sleep didn't happen. I made an offer to drive my mother out to Utah (along with one of my sisters) to help her, console her, do whatever she needed. We (my family and I) scrambled to rearrange schedules and figure out finances all in the midst of keenly feeling the sudden loss of a man dearly loved by us all. I prepared my heart to go into the house where he passed. Where I had laughed with him and Grandma. To be hit by immense grief because I would be able to see where they are not...if that makes sense. 
     Last night was a huge mess for more reasons than I care to share. Let's just suffice it to say that my mother is making other arrangements: I am no longer making the voyage to the wilds of the Rocky Mountains. I no longer feel the pressure to not lose it so I can help my mother. I feel a great weight has lifted. I have waited all day for the tears to flow: in fact, my eyes have burned all day. I did not sleep well yet again last night. I have waited to feel the same overwhelming fatigue that has gripped every joint in my body over the past two days. I feel relieved. I have waited to feel guilty. (Some of it is because of mother issues, actually most of the turmoil is. But that's for another posting.) 
This third day, I have felt great. My work day is full of (usually) giggly babies to tickle, feed, change, and occupy my time. My Daddy, my sisters, my brother, my husband and God have strengthened, soothed and consoled me with their love.
      Grief is an odd thing. I know it affects every one differently every time. But, am I horrible for feeling relieved to the point it's like he hasn't died? I'm a little concerned that maybe I am just shutting it out of my mind for now thinking, "Oh, I'll deal with it later." (I have been known to do that) He was on my mind off and on all last week and I did not write. I'm thinking I should write the letter I was going to anyway. I've heard that doing something like that can help with closure.